1
00:00:01,768 --> 00:00:03,103
I've got no delusions
Mr. Portnoy.

2
00:00:03,103 --> 00:00:05,905
'I mean, I don't expect to get
treated like no princess'

3
00:00:05,905 --> 00:00:08,608
'but I've got feelings too,
just like the next person.'

4
00:00:08,608 --> 00:00:10,510
'So how much of this stuff
am I supposed to take?'

5
00:00:10,510 --> 00:00:14,714
'I can write letters to the
mayor, every hour on the hour''

6
00:00:14,714 --> 00:00:16,649
'"It's just a big waste
of time", he said.'

7
00:00:16,649 --> 00:00:19,819
'He's not putting no radiator in
the bathroom, and that's that''

8
00:00:19,819 --> 00:00:24,124
'So I said, "What do I do when
it's below zero in this city'

9
00:00:24,124 --> 00:00:25,592
freeze my a-
my arms off?"

10
00:00:25,592 --> 00:00:28,762
And he says, "You can always
move to the Waldorf Astoria."

11
00:00:28,762 --> 00:00:30,430
Like it's all a big joke
or something.

12
00:00:30,430 --> 00:00:33,800
That's when I picked up the
phone book and threw it at him.

13
00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:36,336
'It wasn't one of those
with the hard black covers'

14
00:00:36,336 --> 00:00:39,506
'like you see in phone booth.
It was-It was a soft one.'

15
00:00:39,506 --> 00:00:41,641
'Just Manhattan or maybe
the Bronx, I don't know.'

16
00:00:41,641 --> 00:00:44,744
'So, what's the big deal
is what I'm trying to find out''

17
00:00:44,744 --> 00:00:47,981
'Why have I gotta lose my job
and get insulted by the cops'

18
00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:51,251
'like I'm a criminal, when all
I'm doing is make the city'

19
00:00:51,251 --> 00:00:53,953
'force this son of a-
this miserable man to come up'

20
00:00:53,953 --> 00:00:56,923
'with a crummy radiator, so I
can live like a human being?'

21
00:00:56,923 --> 00:00:59,993
'I'm a human being, Mr. Portnoy,
like you and everybody else.'

22
00:00:59,993 --> 00:01:02,462
'And I don't have to
suffer like no animal'

23
00:01:02,462 --> 00:01:04,631
'every time it gets freezing
in this city.'

24
00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:06,933
- Why don't you sit over here?
- What?

25
00:01:06,933 --> 00:01:09,969
'Why don't you sit over here?'

26
00:01:09,969 --> 00:01:11,204
Oh.

27
00:01:16,876 --> 00:01:20,180
'So, it's in your hands now,
Mr. Portnoy, and I sure hope'

28
00:01:20,180 --> 00:01:22,749
'you do something quick,
because it isn't the job'

29
00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:24,951
or the money,
it is a matter of principle.

30
00:01:24,951 --> 00:01:28,021
And the principle is,
I wanna see this dirty bas..

31
00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:30,123
'...this miserable guy
get what's coming to him.'

32
00:01:30,123 --> 00:01:33,159
'Now, I don't mean to say
I don't want that radiator.'

33
00:01:33,159 --> 00:01:36,529
Don't get me wrong. Spring is
spring, and summer is summer.

34
00:01:36,529 --> 00:01:39,666
'But, winter'll be here
before I can find my way'

35
00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:40,967
out of this crazy building.

36
00:01:40,967 --> 00:01:45,138
Hey. You don't happen to have no
job around here for me, do you?

37
00:01:45,138 --> 00:01:48,074
'Nah, forget it. I'm not here
looking for no job.'

38
00:01:48,074 --> 00:01:49,576
'I am here
looking for justice.'

39
00:01:49,576 --> 00:01:54,881
'And you look like the kind of
fella who could give it to me''

40
00:01:54,881 --> 00:01:56,049
[phone buzzing]

41
00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:57,684
Excuse me.

42
00:02:00,253 --> 00:02:01,454
Yes?

43
00:02:03,056 --> 00:02:05,291
Yes, I know I'm late. Thanks.

44
00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:08,228
Well, now, thank you very much
for taking all this trouble

45
00:02:08,228 --> 00:02:11,965
- to come here personally.
- Listen, no trouble. Thank you.

46
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:15,935
You'll hear from me, don't worry
and so will Mr. Banducci.

47
00:02:15,935 --> 00:02:17,170
Bandulo.

48
00:02:17,670 --> 00:02:18,238
Bandulo!

49
00:02:18,238 --> 00:02:22,075
I'll get into you,
uh, into it, right away.

50
00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:24,377
Thanks again, Mr. Portnoy.

51
00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:25,745
Not at all.

52
00:02:25,745 --> 00:02:27,046
[bell dings]

53
00:02:27,046 --> 00:02:28,815
I've enjoyed every minute of it.

54
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:31,751
["Portnoy's Complaint Theme"
by Michel Legrand]

55
00:03:31,110 --> 00:03:33,546
[theme music continues]

56
00:03:35,448 --> 00:03:37,150
[screaming]

57
00:03:39,452 --> 00:03:41,788
[music continues]

58
00:04:23,696 --> 00:04:26,065
[music continues]

59
00:04:27,967 --> 00:04:29,636
[screaming]

60
00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:34,240
[music continues]

61
00:05:27,527 --> 00:05:29,262
[doorknob clicks]

62
00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:34,434
Look, I just want you to know,
I think continuing with this

63
00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:36,402
is gonna be a complete
waste of time.

64
00:05:36,402 --> 00:05:38,771
Not a goddamn thing
is gonna come of it.

65
00:05:38,771 --> 00:05:41,541
Ever since I got back
from Europe, I've been lying

66
00:05:41,541 --> 00:05:43,509
in that womanless bed
of mine every night

67
00:05:43,509 --> 00:05:45,845
with a volume
of Sigmund Freud in my hand

68
00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:49,148
learning about impedance
and infantile fixations.

69
00:05:49,148 --> 00:05:52,885
Sometimes Freud in hand,
sometimes Portnoy in hand..

70
00:05:52,885 --> 00:05:54,520
...sometimes both.

71
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,856
Which reminds me,
my mother called me today

72
00:05:56,856 --> 00:05:59,125
right in the middle..

73
00:05:59,125 --> 00:06:00,460
[laughing]

74
00:06:00,460 --> 00:06:03,029
Nah, to hell with that.

75
00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:04,497
[sighs]

76
00:06:04,497 --> 00:06:08,000
It's the Monkey. Mary Jane Reid.

77
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:09,635
I still keep seeing her jumping.

78
00:06:09,635 --> 00:06:11,804
Every place I go,
she's making that awful leap.

79
00:06:11,804 --> 00:06:14,507
She's-she's hurtling down
at me, she won't go away.

80
00:06:14,507 --> 00:06:17,677
She's falling, always falling
and she's going to smash

81
00:06:17,677 --> 00:06:19,779
right into the ground,
and me with her.

82
00:06:19,779 --> 00:06:23,216
I mean, the Monkey's jumping off
every building in New York.

83
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:26,486
I'm beginning to get
a little bored with it, doctor.

84
00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:28,221
[machine whirring]

85
00:06:29,989 --> 00:06:32,125
Ah! Yeah, yeah.

86
00:06:32,625 --> 00:06:34,660
I'm wasting time.

87
00:06:35,661 --> 00:06:38,030
I know, I know.

88
00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:40,800
Okay!

89
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:42,602
Here he is, ladies and gentlemen

90
00:06:42,602 --> 00:06:45,838
direct from a record-breaking
engagement with his own family.

91
00:06:45,838 --> 00:06:47,774
That bad little,
good little Jewish boy

92
00:06:47,774 --> 00:06:49,809
torn by desires repugnant
to his conscience

93
00:06:49,809 --> 00:06:51,744
and by a conscience
repugnant to his desires

94
00:06:51,744 --> 00:06:54,747
brought to you by the makers
of Two Cents Plain.

95
00:06:54,747 --> 00:06:57,417
"The Alexander Portnoy Show."

96
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:03,956
Hey.

97
00:07:03,956 --> 00:07:08,661
I remember how my mother taught
me to take a leak, standing up.

98
00:07:08,661 --> 00:07:12,999
This may be the information
we've been waiting for.

99
00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:13,833
No?

100
00:07:13,833 --> 00:07:18,271
The key to what determined my
character...or the lack of it.

101
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:22,074
'You wanna hear how I learned to
pee into the bowl, like a man''

102
00:07:22,074 --> 00:07:24,811
Just listen to this. I stand
over the circle of water

103
00:07:24,811 --> 00:07:27,847
while with one hand my momma
makes a trickle from the faucet.

104
00:07:27,847 --> 00:07:30,683
With the other hand she tickles
the underside of my weenie.

105
00:07:30,683 --> 00:07:33,686
I guess she thinks that's how
you get stuff to come out

106
00:07:33,686 --> 00:07:37,457
of the front of that thing.
And let me tell you, doctor..

107
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:38,391
...the lady's right.

108
00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:40,593
'And where was my father,
as mommy was teaching'

109
00:07:40,593 --> 00:07:44,363
'her little baby boy, how
to grow up? He was drinking.'

110
00:07:44,363 --> 00:07:47,066
'Of course, not drinking
whiskey, like most men.'

111
00:07:47,066 --> 00:07:50,736
But mineral oil and chewing
on ex-lax morning and night.

112
00:07:50,736 --> 00:07:56,008
He suffered from constipation.
Oh, God, did he suffer?

113
00:07:56,008 --> 00:07:57,176
[door slams]

114
00:07:57,176 --> 00:07:59,879
Listen, big shot teenager.
Don't make me tell you again.

115
00:07:59,879 --> 00:08:03,115
Get out of those dungarees
and wear some decent clothes

116
00:08:03,115 --> 00:08:04,684
like me and your sister.

117
00:08:04,684 --> 00:08:06,853
They're not dungarees,
they're Levis.

118
00:08:06,853 --> 00:08:09,188
To me you're wearing overalls.

119
00:08:09,188 --> 00:08:11,891
'I'm sorry, just because
it's your holiday'

120
00:08:11,891 --> 00:08:14,260
'doesn't mean it's mine.'

121
00:08:14,260 --> 00:08:16,662
'Where the devil is my Myth?'

122
00:08:16,662 --> 00:08:18,464
I don't believe in religion,
any religion.

123
00:08:18,464 --> 00:08:21,133
- They're all a bunch of lies.
- Oh, they are, are they?

124
00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:24,570
I'm not gonna act like holidays
mean anything, when they don't.

125
00:08:24,570 --> 00:08:27,974
Maybe they don't mean anything
because you don't know anything

126
00:08:27,974 --> 00:08:29,408
about it, Mr. High I.Q.

127
00:08:29,408 --> 00:08:32,044
One, two, three, you were
Bar Mitzvahed and that was that?

128
00:08:32,044 --> 00:08:35,648
What do you know about Jewish
people that you call suffering

129
00:08:35,648 --> 00:08:37,250
and heartache a lie?

130
00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:38,017
I know enough!

131
00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:41,354
All he wants is, even if
you won't go to the synagogue

132
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:43,322
- just change your clothes.
- For what?

133
00:08:43,322 --> 00:08:45,491
Why don't you tell me
to change my clothes

134
00:08:45,491 --> 00:08:47,960
for some alley-cat or tree
because at least they exist.

135
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:51,864
If your mother was here, now. If
she wasn't sick in the hospital

136
00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:56,002
with her agony...one day a year
you ask him to do something..

137
00:08:56,002 --> 00:08:58,704
...he's too big for it.
He's too brilliant for it.

138
00:08:58,704 --> 00:09:02,708
A's in school, but in life,
he's as ignorant as he was born.

139
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,111
You! You!
You're the ignorant one!

140
00:09:05,111 --> 00:09:05,878
- You!
- Alex.

141
00:09:05,878 --> 00:09:08,281
Twenty years with all that
suffering and heartache crap!

142
00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:11,651
Will you stop it? Be quiet,
don't talk him like that.

143
00:09:11,651 --> 00:09:14,654
Mind your own damn business.

144
00:09:14,654 --> 00:09:16,055
Go ahead.

145
00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:18,257
Wear rags for all I care.

146
00:09:18,257 --> 00:09:20,059
Dress like a peddler.

147
00:09:20,059 --> 00:09:23,629
Shame me, embarrass me,
do anything you want to me.

148
00:09:23,629 --> 00:09:24,964
[door slams]

149
00:09:26,866 --> 00:09:28,968
(Alex)
'Hi, ma.'

150
00:09:30,336 --> 00:09:32,171
Alex.

151
00:09:35,041 --> 00:09:38,945
Come here, darling.

152
00:09:38,945 --> 00:09:40,580
Come here.

153
00:09:52,558 --> 00:09:55,928
Mrs. Rosaline,
this is my boy, Alex.

154
00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:58,064
He looks like you.

155
00:09:58,064 --> 00:09:59,365
[laughing]

156
00:09:59,966 --> 00:10:03,469
Come. Sit closer, sweetheart.

157
00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:10,476
You didn't go
with your father. He called.

158
00:10:10,476 --> 00:10:11,243
Mother, look, I--

159
00:10:11,243 --> 00:10:14,814
Please, there must be
better things to talk about.

160
00:10:14,814 --> 00:10:18,884
Mmm, here, finish it.
Ginger ale.

161
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,387
'Take.'

162
00:10:21,387 --> 00:10:22,922
I'm not thirsty.

163
00:10:22,922 --> 00:10:27,360
Come here. Come here.
Look how you're perspiring.

164
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:28,194
I'm not thirsty.

165
00:10:28,194 --> 00:10:30,262
'Don't be so polite
all of a sudden.'

166
00:10:30,262 --> 00:10:34,967
- But I don't like ginger ale.
- 'You don't like ginger ale?'

167
00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:36,569
No.

168
00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:38,337
'Since when?'

169
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:44,644
Ma, I'm..

170
00:10:45,077 --> 00:10:46,979
We're so happy.

171
00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:51,684
I...that...that
you're all okay now.

172
00:10:51,684 --> 00:10:57,323
I mean, I'm...I'm glad
that you're coming home.

173
00:11:01,293 --> 00:11:06,332
He loves baseball. He could play
baseball 12 months of the year.

174
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,401
Center fielder for the CB's.

175
00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:11,504
Yeah, we got
a league game today.

176
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:12,438
On Jewish holiday?

177
00:11:12,438 --> 00:11:14,940
A lot of things go on
on a Jewish holiday.

178
00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:17,109
The whole world goes on
on a Jewish holiday.

179
00:11:17,109 --> 00:11:20,112
Rabbi Vorshop was here.
You remember Rabbi Vorshop?

180
00:11:20,112 --> 00:11:22,715
Yeah, I remember Rabbi Vorshop.

181
00:11:22,715 --> 00:11:26,018
He Bar Mitzvahed my Alex,
Rabbi Vorshop.

182
00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:30,122
'It was such a beautiful
Bar Mitzvah. So lovely it was''

183
00:11:30,122 --> 00:11:33,292
'He didn't forget us
a single word.'

184
00:11:35,027 --> 00:11:38,297
And another thing, I'm sick
and tired of Goyisha this

185
00:11:38,297 --> 00:11:39,365
and Goyisha that.

186
00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:42,501
If it's bad, it's the Goyim,
if it's good, it's the Jews.

187
00:11:42,501 --> 00:11:45,705
Everyone wasn't lucky enough to
have been born a Jew, you know.

188
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:49,141
So how about a little compassion
for the less fortunate, okay?

189
00:11:49,141 --> 00:11:53,112
'It turns out, that there is
just a little bit more to lif''

190
00:11:53,112 --> 00:11:55,915
'than what you can stick
into those two useless'

191
00:11:55,915 --> 00:11:57,183
and disgusting categories.

192
00:11:57,183 --> 00:12:01,253
So instead of crying for "He who
refuses to take off his Levis

193
00:12:01,253 --> 00:12:03,556
and go to the synagogue",
instead of wailing for

194
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:06,625
"He who has turned his back
on the song of his people"

195
00:12:06,625 --> 00:12:09,328
'weep your own pathetic selves,
why don't you?'

196
00:12:09,328 --> 00:12:12,631
It's coming out of my ears
already, the Goyim and the Jews.

197
00:12:12,631 --> 00:12:16,836
Do me a favor, my people, stick
your narrow-minded categories

198
00:12:16,836 --> 00:12:19,238
up your narrow-minded ass.

199
00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:20,873
[cheering]

200
00:12:25,945 --> 00:12:28,114
[Alex laughing]

201
00:12:28,114 --> 00:12:29,749
(female)
'What?'

202
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,283
[puffing]

203
00:12:31,283 --> 00:12:32,618
(Alex)
'Nothing.'

204
00:12:32,618 --> 00:12:36,589
I've just been re-writing
my Bar Mitzvah..

205
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,390
...twenty years ago.

206
00:12:40,993 --> 00:12:42,194
Alex..

207
00:12:43,162 --> 00:12:44,463
Mm-hmm?

208
00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:47,199
- Who's Thereal?
- Thereal?

209
00:12:47,199 --> 00:12:50,136
- I think that's what you said.
- When?

210
00:12:50,136 --> 00:12:55,941
When you were cumming,
you cried out, "Thereal."

211
00:12:57,810 --> 00:12:59,578
Come on,
who the hell is she?

212
00:12:59,578 --> 00:13:03,449
- Do you really wanna know?
- Better be good.

213
00:13:04,216 --> 00:13:06,952
She was a mythical,
marvelous whore I invented

214
00:13:06,952 --> 00:13:09,588
when I was a kid in high school.

215
00:13:09,588 --> 00:13:12,892
A girl of my erotic dreams,
Thereal McCoy.

216
00:13:12,892 --> 00:13:17,596
Oh, and I'm your
erotic dream come true.

217
00:13:17,930 --> 00:13:21,066
I used to spend half my life,
locked in the bathroom

218
00:13:21,066 --> 00:13:23,068
firing my wad down
the toilet bowl.

219
00:13:23,068 --> 00:13:25,738
Or into the dirty clothes
in the laundry hamper

220
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:27,773
or up against
the medicine chest mirror

221
00:13:27,773 --> 00:13:30,576
so I could see
how it looked coming out.

222
00:13:30,576 --> 00:13:31,210
[laughing]

223
00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:34,146
And always it was Thereal McCoy,
I was doing it to.

224
00:13:34,146 --> 00:13:38,551
Always Thereal McCoy panting,
"Oh, give it to me, big boy!"

225
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:41,320
- "Give it to me!"
- I know how she felt.

226
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:45,191
I was totally incapable of
keeping my paws from my dong

227
00:13:45,191 --> 00:13:47,293
once it started to climb.

228
00:13:47,293 --> 00:13:48,928
- Me too.
- Nay.

229
00:13:48,928 --> 00:13:52,932
In the middle of a class
I would rush to the boys' room

230
00:13:52,932 --> 00:13:55,034
and beat off into urinal.

231
00:13:55,034 --> 00:13:59,839
At the movies...I'd leave my
friends, go to the candy machine

232
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,740
and wind up in
a distant balcony seat

233
00:14:01,740 --> 00:14:06,178
squirting my seed into the empty
wrapper from a Mounds Bar.

234
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:07,046
[laughing]

235
00:14:07,046 --> 00:14:09,348
God, I love this.

236
00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:13,219
Once at a picnic, my mother
cored an apple for me.

237
00:14:13,219 --> 00:14:17,389
When I saw what it looked like,
I ran off with it to the woods.

238
00:14:17,389 --> 00:14:19,992
And pretended that
the cool hole of the fruit

239
00:14:19,992 --> 00:14:21,894
was between the legs
of that wonderful girl

240
00:14:21,894 --> 00:14:26,031
who always called me "big boy"
and pleaded for more.

241
00:14:26,031 --> 00:14:29,869
"Oh, shove it in me, big boy",
cried the cored apple

242
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:32,471
as I banged it silly,
on that picnic.

243
00:14:32,471 --> 00:14:36,308
"Big boy, big boy.
Oh, give me all you've got!"

244
00:14:36,308 --> 00:14:38,143
begged the empty milk bottle

245
00:14:38,143 --> 00:14:39,845
that I kept hidden
in our basement

246
00:14:39,845 --> 00:14:43,482
to drive wild after school
with my vaselined upright.

247
00:14:43,482 --> 00:14:48,020
"Cum, big boy, cum", screamed
the maddened piece of liver

248
00:14:48,020 --> 00:14:51,490
that in my insanity I bought
one afternoon at a butcher shop

249
00:14:51,490 --> 00:14:54,627
and believe it or not,
violated behind a billboard

250
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:56,729
on the way to
a Bar Mitzvah lesson.

251
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:59,965
Liver. That's really creative.

252
00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:01,066
[laughing]

253
00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:04,136
It wasn't my first piece either.

254
00:15:04,136 --> 00:15:04,970
My...my..

255
00:15:04,970 --> 00:15:08,307
...my first piece, I found in
our refrigerator one afternoon

256
00:15:08,307 --> 00:15:10,009
when I came home from school.

257
00:15:10,009 --> 00:15:13,112
And had in the privacy
of the bathroom at 3:30.

258
00:15:13,112 --> 00:15:17,249
And then had again on the end of
a fork at 6 o'clock that evening

259
00:15:17,249 --> 00:15:21,220
along with the other members
of my poor innocent family.

260
00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:24,523
So, now you know the worst
thing I've ever done, Monkey.

261
00:15:24,523 --> 00:15:26,859
I fucked my own family's dinner.

262
00:15:26,859 --> 00:15:28,527
[laughing]

263
00:15:28,527 --> 00:15:31,230
If only I had known you then..

264
00:15:31,230 --> 00:15:34,033
...I could've saved you
so much trouble.

265
00:15:34,033 --> 00:15:40,339
Finally, I discovered a little
discolored dot down there.

266
00:15:40,339 --> 00:15:43,909
Long after, I found out
it was a freckle.

267
00:15:43,909 --> 00:15:47,146
But then...cancer.

268
00:15:47,146 --> 00:15:49,214
I'd given myself cancer.

269
00:15:49,214 --> 00:15:51,617
All that pulling and tugging,
all that friction.

270
00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:53,452
I used to cry in bed at night.

271
00:15:53,452 --> 00:15:56,722
"No, I don't want to die.
Please, no."

272
00:15:56,722 --> 00:16:00,159
But then, because I will very
surely be a corpse anyway

273
00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:03,762
I went ahead as usual
and jerked off into my sock.

274
00:16:03,762 --> 00:16:04,763
[laughing]

275
00:16:04,763 --> 00:16:06,332
- Your sock?
- Sure.

276
00:16:06,332 --> 00:16:10,202
I had taken to carrying my dirty
socks into bed with me at night.

277
00:16:10,202 --> 00:16:12,304
To use one as a receptacle
on retiring

278
00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:15,574
and the other one,
upon awakening.

279
00:16:15,574 --> 00:16:19,111
If only I could have cut down
to one handjob a week

280
00:16:19,111 --> 00:16:21,780
or held the line
at two or even three.

281
00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:23,849
But with the prospect
of death before me

282
00:16:23,849 --> 00:16:26,719
I actually began to set
new records for myself.

283
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:30,689
Before meals, after meals,
during meals.

284
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:33,025
(Alex)
'Oh.'

285
00:16:33,025 --> 00:16:36,028
'Oh, diarrhea. I got diarrhea''

286
00:16:36,028 --> 00:16:38,297
(female)
'So, what else is new?'

287
00:16:38,297 --> 00:16:39,798
(Alex)
'Oh.'

288
00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:02,421
Thereal...my Thereal.

289
00:17:07,426 --> 00:17:09,628
I don't know what's
gonna be with that boy.

290
00:17:09,628 --> 00:17:13,565
The luck of the young, he's got
diarrhea. I got concrete.

291
00:17:13,565 --> 00:17:14,533
[Alex groaning]

292
00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:17,036
- Listen to the pain.
- I should have such pain.

293
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:20,406
What kind of talk is that?
Can't you hear the suffering?

294
00:17:20,406 --> 00:17:22,508
I should have such suffering.

295
00:17:22,508 --> 00:17:23,842
(Alex)
'Oh, oh.'

296
00:17:23,842 --> 00:17:26,712
If I could do what he's doing,
just once a day

297
00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:30,282
I'd be happy to do it
in Macy's window.

298
00:17:30,282 --> 00:17:33,052
Macy's doesn't need
your business.

299
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:35,087
I wish they could
use my concrete.

300
00:17:35,087 --> 00:17:37,089
- Oh, daddy!
- Oh, daddy.

301
00:17:37,089 --> 00:17:40,426
Listen, from where I sit,
and I've sat there a long time.

302
00:17:40,426 --> 00:17:42,861
What your brother is doing
in there right now

303
00:17:42,861 --> 00:17:45,597
is what I would call
having a good time.

304
00:17:45,597 --> 00:17:46,965
[Alex moaning]

305
00:17:50,436 --> 00:17:52,471
[toilet seat clanks]

306
00:17:52,471 --> 00:17:55,407
You let me handle this.

307
00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:59,044
I don't understand why you have
to make such a noise in there?

308
00:17:59,044 --> 00:18:01,747
What is this a home
or the metropolitan opera house?

309
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:06,552
Privacy, a human being around
here never can do or..

310
00:18:06,552 --> 00:18:08,153
(sister)
'Daddy's just jealous.'

311
00:18:08,153 --> 00:18:10,956
Alex, I want an answer from you.

312
00:18:10,956 --> 00:18:11,590
About what?

313
00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:13,358
About you in that bathroom,
was it..

314
00:18:13,358 --> 00:18:16,061
I don't feel well.
Everybody leave me alone.

315
00:18:16,061 --> 00:18:18,130
Did you eat French fries
after school?

316
00:18:18,130 --> 00:18:20,532
- No!
- Is that why you're sick?

317
00:18:20,532 --> 00:18:21,433
No, I didn't!

318
00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:23,635
For heaven's sake, isn't there
any other subject--

319
00:18:23,635 --> 00:18:26,505
How can a person digest
his food around here--

320
00:18:26,505 --> 00:18:27,639
Leave me alone!

321
00:18:27,639 --> 00:18:30,809
I'll leave you alone
when you explain to me exactly--

322
00:18:30,809 --> 00:18:32,511
- Oh! Ooh!
- Alex.

323
00:18:32,511 --> 00:18:35,147
(sister)
'Here we go again.'

324
00:19:03,475 --> 00:19:04,910
[doorknob jolting]

325
00:19:05,210 --> 00:19:08,046
Come on, give somebody else
a crack at that bowl.

326
00:19:08,046 --> 00:19:09,982
'I haven't come up
with anything in a week.'

327
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:15,187
I'm busy, I'm in here. Doesn't
that mean anything to anyone?

328
00:19:18,190 --> 00:19:18,924
Open up.

329
00:19:18,924 --> 00:19:22,561
Alex, I want you to
open up this instant.

330
00:19:22,561 --> 00:19:23,862
[Alex groaning]

331
00:19:23,862 --> 00:19:27,866
Alex, are you in pain? Do you
want me to call the doctor?

332
00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:31,703
I want to know exactly
where it hurts? Answer me.

333
00:19:31,703 --> 00:19:33,639
[Alex groaning]

334
00:19:33,639 --> 00:19:37,376
I don't like the sound of this,
I don't want you to flush.

335
00:19:37,376 --> 00:19:40,712
I want to see what
you've done in there.

336
00:19:40,712 --> 00:19:41,980
[toilet flushing]

337
00:19:41,980 --> 00:19:43,215
Alex!

338
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:50,923
- What's the big deal?
- It's about time.

339
00:19:50,923 --> 00:19:54,526
- You stay right here.
- I got homework.

340
00:19:56,228 --> 00:20:00,632
Why did you flush the toilet,
when I told you not to?

341
00:20:00,632 --> 00:20:01,300
I forgot.

342
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:05,103
What was in there that you
were so fast to flush it?

343
00:20:05,103 --> 00:20:05,871
Diarrhea.

344
00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:07,406
Was it mostly liquid
or mostly poopy?

345
00:20:07,406 --> 00:20:10,409
I don't look, I didn't look.
Stop saying "poopy" to me.

346
00:20:10,409 --> 00:20:13,779
- I'm in high school.
- Don't you shout at me.

347
00:20:13,779 --> 00:20:17,382
Don't think you're fooling me.
Hannah tells me about you.

348
00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:17,950
Hannah?

349
00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:20,752
- So don't think I don't know.
- Yeah, what do I do?

350
00:20:20,752 --> 00:20:23,989
You got to Harold's hot dog
at Hazarai palace after school

351
00:20:23,989 --> 00:20:25,791
and you eat French fries
with Melvin Weiner.

352
00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:29,695
That's what you do!
And don't lie to me, neither.

353
00:20:31,463 --> 00:20:32,931
Jack! Jack!

354
00:20:32,931 --> 00:20:36,969
- Come out of there. Hear this.
- 'I'm moving my bowels!'

355
00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:39,404
'Don't I have enough trouble,
without people screaming'

356
00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:41,440
'when I'm trying
to move my bowels?'

357
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,242
You know what your son
does after school?

358
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:46,245
The A student who his own mother
can't say "poopy" to anymore.

359
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:51,149
He's such a grown up. What does
he do when nobody's watching?

360
00:20:51,149 --> 00:20:52,818
'Can I please be left alone?
Please.'

361
00:20:52,818 --> 00:20:56,521
'Can I have a little peace
while I try to get something'

362
00:20:56,521 --> 00:20:57,623
'accomplished in here.'

363
00:20:57,623 --> 00:20:59,658
Just wait till your father
hears what you do

364
00:20:59,658 --> 00:21:04,529
in defiance of every health
habit there could possibly be.

365
00:21:04,529 --> 00:21:06,531
Alex, answer me something.

366
00:21:06,531 --> 00:21:09,701
How do you think Melvin Weiner
gave himself colitis?

367
00:21:09,701 --> 00:21:13,338
Why has that child spent
half his life in hospitals?

368
00:21:13,338 --> 00:21:17,175
- Because he eats hazarai.
- Don't make fun of me!

369
00:21:17,175 --> 00:21:19,411
Alright, how did
he get colitis?

370
00:21:19,411 --> 00:21:21,613
Because he eats hazarai.

371
00:21:21,613 --> 00:21:23,282
[laughing]

372
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:25,851
And it's not a joke.

373
00:21:26,051 --> 00:21:29,988
Alex. Alex, tell me something
just so it's not a mystery

374
00:21:29,988 --> 00:21:31,890
and I wouldn't tell your father.

375
00:21:31,890 --> 00:21:34,760
But I must have
the truth from you.

376
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:37,162
Is it just French fries,
darling, or is it more?

377
00:21:37,162 --> 00:21:40,666
Tell me please. What other kind
of garbage are you putting

378
00:21:40,666 --> 00:21:45,103
into your mouth, that you're
getting this diarrhea?

379
00:21:45,103 --> 00:21:47,873
Are you eating hamburger out?

380
00:21:47,873 --> 00:21:51,043
Answer me, please. Is that
why you flush the toilet?

381
00:21:51,043 --> 00:21:52,244
Was there hamburger?

382
00:21:52,244 --> 00:21:55,447
I told you, I don't look
in the bowl when I flush it.

383
00:21:55,447 --> 00:21:59,251
I'm not interested like you are
in other people's poopy.

384
00:22:00,252 --> 00:22:03,488
Why don't you just plain
to stop eating or something?

385
00:22:03,488 --> 00:22:04,990
Look who's talking!

386
00:22:04,990 --> 00:22:09,594
Alex, Alex. Why are you
getting like this?

387
00:22:09,594 --> 00:22:12,798
What horrible thing have we
done to you all our lives

388
00:22:12,798 --> 00:22:14,566
that this should be our reward?

389
00:22:14,566 --> 00:22:20,238
Alex, he had a headache on him,
he could hardly see straight.

390
00:22:20,238 --> 00:22:21,039
He did?

391
00:22:21,039 --> 00:22:23,975
He's not going in
next week for a test.

392
00:22:23,975 --> 00:22:26,011
- For a test?
- For a tumor.

393
00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:28,814
- Oh, Jesus.
- Bring him in, the doctor said.

394
00:22:28,814 --> 00:22:32,551
"I may have to give him
a test for a tumor".

395
00:22:34,619 --> 00:22:36,488
Alright, what is it
that was so urgent

396
00:22:36,488 --> 00:22:39,224
you couldn't wait for me
to come out to tell me.

397
00:22:39,224 --> 00:22:43,562
- Nothing! It's settled.
- What do you mean, settled?

398
00:22:43,562 --> 00:22:45,330
'What's settled? What'd he do''

399
00:22:45,330 --> 00:22:49,801
I told you, what he did is over
and done with, god willing, you!

400
00:22:49,801 --> 00:22:51,536
Did you accomplish
anything in there?

401
00:22:51,536 --> 00:22:54,039
Of course, I didn't accomplish
anything in there.

402
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:57,209
'Jack, what is it gonna be,
with you and those bowels?'

403
00:22:57,209 --> 00:22:59,945
They turned into cement and
the cement turned to concrete.

404
00:22:59,945 --> 00:23:03,281
- That's what it's gonna be.
- 'Because you eat too fast.'

405
00:23:03,281 --> 00:23:07,018
- I don't eat too fast.
- How then? Slow?

406
00:23:07,018 --> 00:23:07,719
I eat regular.

407
00:23:07,719 --> 00:23:09,988
You eat like a pig.
Somebody should tell you that.

408
00:23:09,988 --> 00:23:13,358
'Oh, you got a wonderful way of
expressing yourself sometimes''

409
00:23:13,358 --> 00:23:15,026
I'm only speaking the truth.

410
00:23:15,026 --> 00:23:17,996
- 'So what did he do?'
- I don't wanna upset you.

411
00:23:17,996 --> 00:23:20,632
Let's just forget
the whole thing.

412
00:23:20,632 --> 00:23:21,867
[sobbing]

413
00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:26,171
What?

414
00:23:26,171 --> 00:23:29,541
He eats French fries. He goes
after school with Melvin Weiner.

415
00:23:29,541 --> 00:23:31,510
He stuffs himself
with French fry potatoes.

416
00:23:31,510 --> 00:23:33,578
Jack, you tell him.
I'm only his mother.

417
00:23:33,578 --> 00:23:36,748
Tell him what the end
is gonna be. Alex!

418
00:23:36,748 --> 00:23:39,384
'It begins with diarrhea.
Do you know how it ends?'

419
00:23:39,384 --> 00:23:43,255
With a sensitive stomach like
yours, do you know how it ends?

420
00:23:43,255 --> 00:23:47,626
Wearing a plastic bag
to do your business in.

421
00:23:47,626 --> 00:23:48,960
You heard your mother?

422
00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:51,596
Don't eat French fries
with Melvin Weiner after school.

423
00:23:51,596 --> 00:23:55,767
Jack. Forever,
tell him that, forever.

424
00:23:55,767 --> 00:23:58,503
- Forever!
- 'Jack.'

425
00:23:58,503 --> 00:24:00,505
All hamburgers out.

426
00:24:00,505 --> 00:24:03,809
- All hamburgers out!
- Hamburgers, hamburgers!

427
00:24:03,809 --> 00:24:07,913
They could put in anything
in the world. And he eats them!

428
00:24:07,913 --> 00:24:11,049
'Make him promise
before it's too late.'

429
00:24:11,049 --> 00:24:14,853
I promise!

430
00:24:14,853 --> 00:24:19,958
Alex, this time, this time,
don't flush. Do you hear me?

431
00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:23,361
I have to see
what's in that bowl.

432
00:24:23,361 --> 00:24:24,796
(mother)
'Alex!'

433
00:24:24,796 --> 00:24:27,699
(Alex)
Doctor, do you understand
what I was up against?

434
00:24:27,699 --> 00:24:29,501
Do you get
what I'm trying to say?

435
00:24:29,501 --> 00:24:32,804
All I really had that I could
call my own was my wang.

436
00:24:32,804 --> 00:24:36,007
In fact it was the only thing
that really understood me.

437
00:24:36,007 --> 00:24:41,213
The least I could do for it
was find it a girl.

438
00:24:41,213 --> 00:24:43,882
(male)
'That's her, Portnoy.'

439
00:24:43,882 --> 00:24:46,518
Bubbles Giradi.

440
00:24:46,518 --> 00:24:49,054
What a pig!

441
00:24:49,054 --> 00:24:51,323
Jesus, I'm gonna cum
just looking at her.

442
00:24:51,323 --> 00:24:53,859
You really think,
she'll do it, Smolka?

443
00:24:53,859 --> 00:24:54,493
Are you kidding?

444
00:24:54,493 --> 00:24:57,462
I'm gonna put you and Mandel
between those legs right now.

445
00:24:57,462 --> 00:25:00,732
Right in her own living room.
All I gotta do is ask.

446
00:25:00,732 --> 00:25:02,734
- Is he shitting us, Arnie?
- Better not be.

447
00:25:02,734 --> 00:25:05,337
I've been pounding off
over this for a week.

448
00:25:05,337 --> 00:25:06,872
You don't believe me, forget it.

449
00:25:06,872 --> 00:25:11,076
I do, I do. I've been saving
the Trojan for six months.

450
00:25:11,076 --> 00:25:12,744
Okay, then.

451
00:25:12,744 --> 00:25:14,412
Let's go.

452
00:25:19,584 --> 00:25:21,286
Hey, Bubbles.

453
00:25:21,286 --> 00:25:23,955
Get lost, Smolka.

454
00:25:23,955 --> 00:25:25,357
(Mandel)
'Gorgeous, as ever.'

455
00:25:25,357 --> 00:25:28,026
- 'Screw you, Mandel.'
- Anytime, baby.

456
00:25:28,026 --> 00:25:30,028
'What do you guys want?
I'm busy.'

457
00:25:30,028 --> 00:25:33,365
- I gotta talk to you.
- So, go ahead and talk.

458
00:25:33,365 --> 00:25:35,600
- Who the hell is he?
- Oh, that's--

459
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:39,204
Ah! Paruda.
Anthony Paruda.

460
00:25:39,204 --> 00:25:40,605
You can call me Tony.

461
00:25:40,605 --> 00:25:46,978
Come on, Giradi, I've gotta talk
to you for a minute, in private.

462
00:25:46,978 --> 00:25:48,880
Come on, let's go.

463
00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:53,218
I told you, Smolka,
I'm busy. Can't you see?

464
00:25:53,218 --> 00:25:54,719
Hey, come on, Bubbles.

465
00:25:54,719 --> 00:25:59,257
This is me, Smolka. Who don't
take "no" for no answer.

466
00:26:02,861 --> 00:26:04,129
Inside.

467
00:26:05,230 --> 00:26:07,899
For Christ's sakes.

468
00:26:07,899 --> 00:26:09,501
You guys!

469
00:26:15,140 --> 00:26:16,374
Whoa!

470
00:26:21,813 --> 00:26:25,383
Jesus, Mandel.
Suppose we get caught?

471
00:26:25,383 --> 00:26:28,553
Portnoy, will you stop worrying!

472
00:26:28,553 --> 00:26:30,522
But what about her brother,
the paratrooper?

473
00:26:30,522 --> 00:26:33,391
No problem. He's going
six rounds tonight

474
00:26:33,391 --> 00:26:35,660
in Hoboken under the name
of Johnny Girardi.

475
00:26:35,660 --> 00:26:38,263
Her old man drives
for the mob, all night.

476
00:26:38,263 --> 00:26:40,465
He don't show till daylight.

477
00:26:40,465 --> 00:26:44,369
- And her mother?
- No problem, she's dead.

478
00:26:45,804 --> 00:26:47,038
Arnie. One more thing.

479
00:26:47,038 --> 00:26:52,043
- For Christ's sakes, now what?
- Suppose she's got the syph?

480
00:26:52,043 --> 00:26:53,378
- Syph?
- Yeah.

481
00:26:53,378 --> 00:26:56,081
So what, a little syph's
gonna hurt you?

482
00:26:56,081 --> 00:26:58,984
Well, no.
I mean, what do I care?

483
00:26:58,984 --> 00:27:03,622
But I got a hunch it may not
be my mother's favorite disease.

484
00:27:04,656 --> 00:27:05,457
[metal clanking]

485
00:27:05,457 --> 00:27:09,361
Alex, what is that you're hiding
under your foot?

486
00:27:09,361 --> 00:27:11,563
Uh, nothing. Nothing.

487
00:27:11,563 --> 00:27:14,566
Don't lie to me, young man,
I heard a definite click.

488
00:27:14,566 --> 00:27:17,002
What is that,
that fell outta your trousers?

489
00:27:17,002 --> 00:27:20,372
You're stepping on it with your
foot, out of your new trousers?

490
00:27:20,372 --> 00:27:24,609
It's nothing. It's my shoe.
Leave me alone.

491
00:27:24,609 --> 00:27:26,778
Alex, what have you..

492
00:27:26,778 --> 00:27:27,679
Oh, my God!

493
00:27:27,679 --> 00:27:30,915
(mother)
'Jack, come here quick, Jack.'

494
00:27:30,915 --> 00:27:32,917
- Now, what?
- Jack! Look.

495
00:27:32,917 --> 00:27:36,721
Look on the floor by his shoe.

496
00:27:36,721 --> 00:27:40,258
What is that, mister?
Some smart high school joke?

497
00:27:40,258 --> 00:27:43,428
What is that black plastic thing
doing on the floor?

498
00:27:43,428 --> 00:27:45,964
It's not a plastic one.

499
00:27:47,866 --> 00:27:49,601
It's my own.

500
00:27:50,101 --> 00:27:55,273
I caught the syph from
an 18-year-old Italian girl.

501
00:27:55,273 --> 00:27:57,575
From hillside..

502
00:27:57,575 --> 00:27:59,010
...and now..

503
00:27:59,010 --> 00:28:00,045
...and ho..

504
00:28:00,045 --> 00:28:03,982
...I have no more p-p-penis..

505
00:28:03,982 --> 00:28:05,216
[crying]

506
00:28:18,663 --> 00:28:20,965
- No cigar.
- What?

507
00:28:20,965 --> 00:28:22,767
She don't wanna
do it with you guys.

508
00:28:22,767 --> 00:28:26,671
But you said that Portnoy and me
were going to get laid.

509
00:28:26,671 --> 00:28:28,740
You said we were
gonna get blowed.

510
00:28:28,740 --> 00:28:32,744
Reamed, steamed, and dry
cleaned is what you said.

511
00:28:32,744 --> 00:28:33,244
So sue me.

512
00:28:33,244 --> 00:28:37,248
Fuck it! She doesn't wanna
do it, no need to. Let's go.

513
00:28:37,248 --> 00:28:38,116
Go, my ass!

514
00:28:38,116 --> 00:28:41,920
Big man, for you
she'll do anything.

515
00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:44,789
What kind of crap is this,
Smolka?

516
00:28:44,789 --> 00:28:47,058
I-I mean, won't she even
beat our meat?

517
00:28:47,058 --> 00:28:49,661
I don't know,
maybe she's a vegetarian.

518
00:28:49,661 --> 00:28:51,563
Look, she doesn't
wanna do it. Let's go.

519
00:28:51,563 --> 00:28:56,701
Who the hell is she, that she
can't give a guy a handjob?

520
00:28:56,701 --> 00:28:57,936
A measly handjob.

521
00:28:57,936 --> 00:29:00,438
Now, is this the world
to ask of her?

522
00:29:00,438 --> 00:29:04,743
Well, I'm not leaving until she
comes through with something.

523
00:29:04,743 --> 00:29:06,377
A handjob.

524
00:29:23,027 --> 00:29:24,996
Okay, she'll jerk off
one of you guys.

525
00:29:24,996 --> 00:29:27,265
But only with his pants on.
And that's all.

526
00:29:27,265 --> 00:29:29,968
- I ain't--
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

527
00:29:29,968 --> 00:29:31,436
Flip a coin.

528
00:29:31,436 --> 00:29:32,804
Heads or tails?

529
00:29:32,804 --> 00:29:33,738
- Tails.
- Heads.

530
00:29:33,738 --> 00:29:35,573
It hit the ceiling.
It don't count.

531
00:29:35,573 --> 00:29:37,976
- Tell him it don't count.
- It don't count.

532
00:29:37,976 --> 00:29:40,578
Do keep your voice down, Mandel.

533
00:29:45,183 --> 00:29:46,384
Hi.

534
00:29:48,119 --> 00:29:50,688
Look, let's get it straight.

535
00:29:50,688 --> 00:29:53,324
You are the only one
I'm doing it to.

536
00:29:53,324 --> 00:29:55,994
You and that's it.

537
00:29:55,994 --> 00:29:58,530
It's entirely up to you.

538
00:30:01,966 --> 00:30:04,435
Alright, take it out
of your pants.

539
00:30:04,435 --> 00:30:06,004
But don't take 'em down.
You hear me?

540
00:30:06,004 --> 00:30:10,909
Because I told 'em, I ain't
doing nothing to no one's balls.

541
00:30:10,909 --> 00:30:15,647
- Fine, fine. Whatever you say.
- Don't try to touch me, either.

542
00:30:15,647 --> 00:30:18,583
Look, if you want me to,
I'll go.

543
00:30:18,583 --> 00:30:21,119
Just take it out.

544
00:30:21,119 --> 00:30:21,853
[zipper unzips]

545
00:30:21,853 --> 00:30:24,923
Sure, if that's what you want.

546
00:30:37,068 --> 00:30:39,170
Ah..

547
00:30:39,170 --> 00:30:41,239
...can't, uh..

548
00:30:41,706 --> 00:30:43,308
It's funny..

549
00:30:43,308 --> 00:30:46,010
Can't seem to, uh..

550
00:30:46,010 --> 00:30:48,479
Just have to get, uh..

551
00:30:50,548 --> 00:30:51,749
Ah!

552
00:30:55,353 --> 00:30:56,855
Is that it?

553
00:30:56,855 --> 00:31:00,425
Well, it gets bigger
when it gets harder.

554
00:31:00,425 --> 00:31:02,360
I ain't got all night,
you know.

555
00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:05,263
Oh, I don't think
it'll be all night.

556
00:31:07,765 --> 00:31:09,367
Lay down.

557
00:31:17,175 --> 00:31:20,545
What's the matter,
can't you get it up?

558
00:31:20,545 --> 00:31:22,580
Uh, yeah.
Usually I can.

559
00:31:22,580 --> 00:31:24,749
Well, then stop
holdin' it back on me.

560
00:31:24,749 --> 00:31:27,452
I'm not!
I'm trying, Bubbles.

561
00:31:27,452 --> 00:31:28,920
I'm gonna count to 50.

562
00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:33,758
And, uh, if you can't do it
by then, it ain't my fault.

563
00:31:33,758 --> 00:31:37,061
One, two, three, four

564
00:31:37,061 --> 00:31:40,732
five, six, seven, eight

565
00:31:40,732 --> 00:31:42,433
nine, ten.

566
00:31:42,433 --> 00:31:44,235
Think of something.

567
00:31:44,235 --> 00:31:47,438
11, 12, 13, 14.

568
00:31:47,438 --> 00:31:49,741
Somthin' sexy.

569
00:31:49,741 --> 00:31:51,209
15, 16..

570
00:31:51,209 --> 00:31:52,510
[mumbling]

571
00:31:58,650 --> 00:32:02,186
- Come on!
- I'm tryin', I'm tryin'.

572
00:32:02,186 --> 00:32:06,624
Think of something else.

573
00:32:06,624 --> 00:32:12,063
Alright, yeah,
I think I got it.

574
00:32:12,063 --> 00:32:14,966
Good. Yeah, oh, good.
Good.

575
00:32:14,966 --> 00:32:18,403
39, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's workin', yeah.

576
00:32:18,403 --> 00:32:23,274
It's gettin' bigger.
39, 40, 41, 42.

577
00:32:23,274 --> 00:32:25,443
What are you thinkin' of?

578
00:32:25,443 --> 00:32:27,679
A piece of liver.

579
00:32:27,679 --> 00:32:31,783
45, 46, 47,
48, 49, 50.

580
00:32:31,783 --> 00:32:34,218
Okay. That's it.

581
00:32:34,218 --> 00:32:36,354
- No! More!
- No.

582
00:32:36,354 --> 00:32:40,825
One more. I beg of you.
Two more, please!

583
00:32:40,825 --> 00:32:42,860
No!

584
00:32:42,860 --> 00:32:44,495
Son of a bitch!

585
00:32:44,495 --> 00:32:47,165
You got jizzum
all over the couch!

586
00:32:47,165 --> 00:32:50,668
I got it in my eye!
I'll got blind!

587
00:32:50,668 --> 00:32:53,604
You got it all
over everything.

588
00:32:53,604 --> 00:32:56,174
Look at the doilies.

589
00:32:56,174 --> 00:32:58,443
H-Help help me.

590
00:32:58,443 --> 00:33:00,712
Son of a bitch,
you can't even come off

591
00:33:00,712 --> 00:33:04,015
unless you pull your own
pudding. Cheap bastard!

592
00:33:04,015 --> 00:33:08,186
- Fairy Jew!
- I'm not a fairy.

593
00:33:08,186 --> 00:33:10,221
Jesus! My eye!

594
00:33:11,122 --> 00:33:14,459
Water! Water, you...shit.

595
00:33:14,459 --> 00:33:16,828
I'm on fire.

596
00:33:21,766 --> 00:33:24,736
I'm blind for life.

597
00:33:24,736 --> 00:33:27,505
- What is that?
- 'It's just me, mother.'

598
00:33:27,505 --> 00:33:28,039
Alex?

599
00:33:28,039 --> 00:33:31,042
'This nice big dog brought me
home, with my cane.'

600
00:33:31,042 --> 00:33:35,480
A dog in my house? Get him out
before he filths everything.

601
00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:38,950
'But, mama, he's here to stay.
He has to stay.'

602
00:33:38,950 --> 00:33:43,354
- 'He's a guide dog. I'm blind''
- Jack, there's a dog here.

603
00:33:43,354 --> 00:33:46,657
I've just finished washing
the kitchen floor.

604
00:33:46,657 --> 00:33:47,925
Blind?

605
00:33:47,925 --> 00:33:51,262
Oh, my God, Jack,
Alex has gone blind.

606
00:33:51,262 --> 00:33:53,464
Him, blind?
How could he be blind?

607
00:33:53,464 --> 00:33:56,467
He doesn't know what it means
to turn off the light.

608
00:33:56,467 --> 00:33:59,237
How Alex? Tell us how such
a thing could happen?

609
00:33:59,237 --> 00:34:02,440
That I have to live with
a dog because you're blind.

610
00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:08,513
'Mama, how? How else?
I let a shiksa touch my dick.'

611
00:34:08,513 --> 00:34:09,714
Oh!

612
00:34:12,683 --> 00:34:15,086
(Alex)
You think it's any
different today, doctor?

613
00:34:15,086 --> 00:34:20,324
Do you think one thing has
changed in the past 17 years?

614
00:34:20,324 --> 00:34:24,128
Let me tell you something,
these people are incredible.

615
00:34:24,128 --> 00:34:26,631
These people are unbelievable.

616
00:34:26,631 --> 00:34:29,333
True, I don't see them
as much anymore.

617
00:34:29,333 --> 00:34:34,238
In recent years, using all my
guile and cunning and strength

618
00:34:34,238 --> 00:34:36,908
I have managed to hold
the visits for dinner

619
00:34:36,908 --> 00:34:39,177
down to just once a month.

620
00:34:39,177 --> 00:34:40,611
[doorbell ringing]

621
00:34:45,149 --> 00:34:46,884
Alex, darling.

622
00:34:46,884 --> 00:34:48,586
Hello, mother.

623
00:34:51,756 --> 00:34:54,225
You didn't have to.

624
00:34:54,859 --> 00:34:57,395
Don't ask what a day
I had with him yesterday.

625
00:34:57,395 --> 00:35:00,331
Alex, when he has a day
like that you don't know

626
00:35:00,331 --> 00:35:02,800
what a difference a call
from you would make.

627
00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:05,136
And darling, next week
is his birthday.

628
00:35:05,136 --> 00:35:08,005
That Mother's Day and my
birthday passed without a card

629
00:35:08,005 --> 00:35:11,142
those things don't bother me.
But he'll be 66, Alex.

630
00:35:11,142 --> 00:35:14,278
That's not a baby, Alex.
That's a landmark in a life.

631
00:35:14,278 --> 00:35:17,815
So, you'll send a card.
It wouldn't kill you.

632
00:35:20,218 --> 00:35:24,422
- How're you doing, Pop?
- You're late for a change.

633
00:35:27,525 --> 00:35:29,827
Since when is a New Yorker
ever on time?

634
00:35:29,827 --> 00:35:33,998
'A New Yorker? That's
something so special?'

635
00:35:33,998 --> 00:35:38,636
Why you don't move back to
North Jersey is a mystery to me.

636
00:35:38,636 --> 00:35:41,038
Why you prefer the noise,
and the crime

637
00:35:41,038 --> 00:35:42,740
and the filth of that city?

638
00:35:42,740 --> 00:35:45,343
I can imagine what you
pay those Goyisha robbers

639
00:35:45,343 --> 00:35:48,112
for that two-by-four apartment.

640
00:35:48,846 --> 00:35:51,115
You saw how he looks?

641
00:35:51,115 --> 00:35:53,551
Whole more often, Alex.
Visit us.

642
00:35:53,551 --> 00:35:57,522
Hannah and Hammodi and
the children come every Sunday.

643
00:35:57,522 --> 00:36:01,225
Keep us informed what
you're doing with your life.

644
00:36:01,225 --> 00:36:03,995
Don't go away again
without telling us.

645
00:36:03,995 --> 00:36:04,829
Please, not again.

646
00:36:04,829 --> 00:36:07,632
The last time you went away,
you didn't tell us.

647
00:36:07,632 --> 00:36:09,700
Your father was ready
to phone the police.

648
00:36:09,700 --> 00:36:13,204
You know how many times
he called and got no answer?

649
00:36:13,204 --> 00:36:14,038
Take a guess.

650
00:36:14,038 --> 00:36:17,341
If I'm dead, they'll smell
the body in 72 hours.

651
00:36:17,341 --> 00:36:18,242
I assure you.

652
00:36:18,242 --> 00:36:20,111
Don't talk like that!
God forbid!

653
00:36:20,111 --> 00:36:24,815
Alex, to pick up the phone,
is such a simple thing.

654
00:36:24,815 --> 00:36:30,121
Alex, how much longer will we
be around to bother you anyway?

655
00:36:31,389 --> 00:36:33,658
Am I being unreasonable, doctor?

656
00:36:33,658 --> 00:36:36,427
I mean, this is my life.
My only life.

657
00:36:36,427 --> 00:36:39,664
And I'm living it in
the middle of a Jewish joke.

658
00:36:39,664 --> 00:36:41,766
I am the son in the Jewish joke.

659
00:36:41,766 --> 00:36:44,802
Only it ain't no joke.

660
00:36:44,802 --> 00:36:48,206
I've begin to pall
a little at 33.

661
00:36:48,206 --> 00:36:53,044
And also it hurts, you know.
There is pain involved.

662
00:36:53,044 --> 00:36:55,146
What was it with
these Jewish parents?

663
00:36:55,146 --> 00:36:56,981
Always hawking us
to be good sons.

664
00:36:56,981 --> 00:37:00,017
Good boys. Always hawking us
to be nice.

665
00:37:00,017 --> 00:37:01,419
To be bad, doctor.

666
00:37:01,419 --> 00:37:04,322
To be bad and enjoy it.
That's the real struggle.

667
00:37:04,322 --> 00:37:07,491
That's what makes men
of us boys.

668
00:37:10,261 --> 00:37:11,395
Oh, mama!

669
00:37:11,395 --> 00:37:14,732
Where did you get the idea
that the most wonderful thing

670
00:37:14,732 --> 00:37:16,901
I could be in life was obedient?

671
00:37:16,901 --> 00:37:18,903
'A little gentlemen. Huh!'

672
00:37:18,903 --> 00:37:20,605
'For all the aspirations'

673
00:37:20,605 --> 00:37:23,107
'for a creature
of lusts and desires.'

674
00:37:23,107 --> 00:37:23,874
Fruit cake, mother!

675
00:37:23,874 --> 00:37:27,378
Little fruit cake is what
you were trying to make me.

676
00:37:27,378 --> 00:37:29,981
The mystery is how come
I didn't turn out like

677
00:37:29,981 --> 00:37:32,450
all the nice young men
I see strolling hand-in-hand

678
00:37:32,450 --> 00:37:34,719
in Bloomingdales,
on Saturday mornings.

679
00:37:34,719 --> 00:37:38,122
How come I didn't wind up
sharing a house in Fire Island

680
00:37:38,122 --> 00:37:40,591
with someone in eye makeup
named Sheldon?

681
00:37:40,591 --> 00:37:43,227
The real mystery, if you wanna
know the truth, doctor

682
00:37:43,227 --> 00:37:47,765
is how I ever made it into
the world of pussy at all.

683
00:37:47,765 --> 00:37:48,866
That's the miracle.

684
00:37:48,866 --> 00:37:52,637
(Alex)
Not that I hadn't danced around
with my share of girls

685
00:37:52,637 --> 00:37:54,405
this city is so alive with.

686
00:37:54,405 --> 00:37:56,540
Those self-assured
intelligent young things

687
00:37:56,540 --> 00:37:59,143
fresh from their wholesome
Ivy League colleges.

688
00:37:59,143 --> 00:38:02,747
None of them are what I've been
searching for and praying for

689
00:38:02,747 --> 00:38:07,785
of my life that-that one lewd
and wanton gorgeous creature

690
00:38:07,785 --> 00:38:10,087
of all my aching dreams.

691
00:38:10,087 --> 00:38:14,392
No, you pray, and you pray,
and you pray.

692
00:38:14,392 --> 00:38:17,662
Then, one night,
around midnight..

693
00:38:17,662 --> 00:38:21,165
...on the corner of
Sixth Avenue and 52nd Street

694
00:38:21,165 --> 00:38:24,769
just when you have come really
to the point of losing faith

695
00:38:24,769 --> 00:38:28,572
in the very existence
of such a creature

696
00:38:28,572 --> 00:38:33,711
suddenly...there she is.

697
00:38:34,812 --> 00:38:36,380
Taxi!

698
00:38:39,650 --> 00:38:41,218
Taxi!

699
00:38:43,220 --> 00:38:44,789
Damn it!

700
00:38:48,926 --> 00:38:50,494
Taxi!

701
00:39:00,938 --> 00:39:02,206
Hi.

702
00:39:03,240 --> 00:39:06,944
- What do you want?
- Buy you a drink.

703
00:39:06,944 --> 00:39:08,646
Real swinger.

704
00:39:13,751 --> 00:39:17,088
To eat your pussy baby,
how's that?

705
00:39:17,088 --> 00:39:19,657
That's more like it.

706
00:39:30,034 --> 00:39:31,635
[moaning]

707
00:39:48,252 --> 00:39:49,720
[moaning continues]

708
00:39:55,860 --> 00:39:57,661
[moaning continues]

709
00:40:05,669 --> 00:40:07,471
[moaning continues]

710
00:40:13,010 --> 00:40:14,812
[moaning continues]

711
00:40:39,336 --> 00:40:40,571
Jesus!

712
00:40:43,441 --> 00:40:47,578
Am I glad I couldn't
find a cab tonight.

713
00:40:47,578 --> 00:40:51,816
'Oh, God, yeah.
You and me both, baby.'

714
00:41:06,997 --> 00:41:11,435
- Now me, you.
- Really?

715
00:41:11,435 --> 00:41:12,603
Yeah.

716
00:41:12,603 --> 00:41:15,139
One good turn
deserves another.

717
00:41:15,139 --> 00:41:17,441
(Alex)
Get out while
there's still time.

718
00:41:17,441 --> 00:41:21,111
Who and what can
this crazy broad be?

719
00:41:23,481 --> 00:41:24,715
Okay.

720
00:41:26,617 --> 00:41:28,385
[classical music]

721
00:41:34,658 --> 00:41:37,928
(female)
'I didn't put you to sleep,
did I?'

722
00:41:37,928 --> 00:41:40,464
(Alex)
'You're wild, you know that?

723
00:41:40,464 --> 00:41:41,465
(female)
'Mm-hmm.'

724
00:41:41,465 --> 00:41:44,702
(Alex)
'You must've gone to
a special college or something''

725
00:41:44,702 --> 00:41:47,705
(female)
'You're not so bad yourself.'

726
00:41:49,306 --> 00:41:51,041
[music continues]

727
00:41:54,011 --> 00:41:56,814
What made you decide
to pick me up tonight?

728
00:41:56,814 --> 00:42:00,751
It was the maid's night out.

729
00:42:00,751 --> 00:42:03,287
You're married?

730
00:42:03,287 --> 00:42:05,756
Never heard of the word.

731
00:42:07,157 --> 00:42:10,594
Wanna tell me
your right name or phony?

732
00:42:10,594 --> 00:42:12,363
Alexander Portnoy.

733
00:42:12,363 --> 00:42:16,333
If you don't believe me,
call my mother.

734
00:42:16,333 --> 00:42:19,904
Nobody could make up
a name like that.

735
00:42:21,438 --> 00:42:26,810
I'm Mary Jane Reid.
They call me The Monkey.

736
00:42:26,810 --> 00:42:28,279
A monkey?

737
00:42:28,279 --> 00:42:32,716
New position I invented made a
guy I knew, think of a monkey.

738
00:42:32,716 --> 00:42:33,250
Mm-hmm.

739
00:42:33,250 --> 00:42:36,587
Am I gonna get a crack
at that zoo sometime?

740
00:42:36,587 --> 00:42:39,223
I'll give it some thought.

741
00:42:43,027 --> 00:42:46,931
- Where are you going?
- No place special.

742
00:42:47,932 --> 00:42:50,901
I think I may turn myself in.

743
00:42:53,037 --> 00:42:55,406
'Hey, you know what?'

744
00:42:55,406 --> 00:42:57,641
'About a month ago,
I had this virus'

745
00:42:57,641 --> 00:43:01,011
'and this married couple I know,
pretty close friends'

746
00:43:01,011 --> 00:43:03,781
'came by to make dinner for me''

747
00:43:05,182 --> 00:43:07,585
Well, they could hardly wait
to finish the meal.

748
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:11,922
In the middle of the jello, they
wanted me to watch them screw.

749
00:43:11,922 --> 00:43:13,557
In the middle of the jello?

750
00:43:13,557 --> 00:43:16,427
I was sitting right here
with a temperature of 101

751
00:43:16,427 --> 00:43:18,228
and they took off their clothes

752
00:43:18,228 --> 00:43:20,230
and went at it,
right there on the rug.

753
00:43:20,230 --> 00:43:24,201
You know what they wanted me
to do while they were making it?

754
00:43:24,201 --> 00:43:26,637
Wait a minute. Don't tell me.
Let me guess.

755
00:43:26,637 --> 00:43:30,007
There was this banana
in a fruit bowl

756
00:43:30,007 --> 00:43:34,011
and they wanted me to,
you know, eat it..

757
00:43:34,011 --> 00:43:35,913
...while I was watching them.

758
00:43:35,913 --> 00:43:38,849
For the arcane symbolism,
no doubt.

759
00:43:38,849 --> 00:43:42,052
- The what?
- Nothing.

760
00:43:44,922 --> 00:43:47,257
'Tell me, uh..'

761
00:43:48,492 --> 00:43:54,164
Do you, uh...do this kind of
thing more or less, uh..

762
00:43:56,667 --> 00:43:58,702
...just for fun?

763
00:44:00,904 --> 00:44:04,775
What kind of a question is that?

764
00:44:04,775 --> 00:44:07,144
I'm a fashion model.

765
00:44:07,144 --> 00:44:12,249
What kind of a shit-eating
remark is that supposed to be?

766
00:44:18,422 --> 00:44:22,493
Are you another one of those
heartless bastards?

767
00:44:26,096 --> 00:44:29,500
Don't you think I have feelings?

768
00:44:30,934 --> 00:44:33,337
I'm so-sorry.

769
00:44:35,039 --> 00:44:39,243
Please...forgive me.

770
00:44:40,377 --> 00:44:41,979
[sobbing]

771
00:44:43,681 --> 00:44:46,884
Come on now, baby.

772
00:44:46,884 --> 00:44:48,452
Come on.

773
00:44:48,852 --> 00:44:51,455
I didn't mean anything.

774
00:44:51,455 --> 00:44:53,023
Please.

775
00:44:54,124 --> 00:44:55,793
Look..

776
00:44:56,627 --> 00:44:58,595
...I lied to you just now.

777
00:44:58,595 --> 00:45:03,500
Incase you're interested,
I lied to you.

778
00:45:04,001 --> 00:45:08,706
What the hell did I lie for?
What do I care what you think?

779
00:45:09,440 --> 00:45:11,475
I-I-I don't know what you are..

780
00:45:11,475 --> 00:45:18,215
I mean, they didn't wanna screw
on the floor in front of me.

781
00:45:18,215 --> 00:45:20,718
They wanted to go home.

782
00:45:21,919 --> 00:45:24,288
It was my idea.

783
00:45:28,092 --> 00:45:30,494
So was the banana.

784
00:45:31,562 --> 00:45:34,665
(Alex)
Doctor, did I need any more
evidence that this girl

785
00:45:34,665 --> 00:45:37,434
was to say the least
a little bit...different?

786
00:45:37,434 --> 00:45:40,804
Most men in their right minds
would've gotten out of her life

787
00:45:40,804 --> 00:45:43,407
right then and there
and counted their blessings.

788
00:45:43,407 --> 00:45:45,209
But you gotta understand,
she was the star

789
00:45:45,209 --> 00:45:48,245
of every pornographic film
I had ever made in my head

790
00:45:48,245 --> 00:45:50,314
since I first laid
a hand on my joint.

791
00:45:50,314 --> 00:45:53,484
Just as I was the figure
who'd dwelled at the heart

792
00:45:53,484 --> 00:45:55,052
of her dreams,
so it turned out.

793
00:45:55,052 --> 00:45:58,388
The kind of man who would be
good to a wife and children

794
00:45:58,388 --> 00:46:01,558
who would feast on her body
and then come slithering up

795
00:46:01,558 --> 00:46:03,460
to talk a lot
and explain things.

796
00:46:03,460 --> 00:46:06,163
Advise her what books
to read and how to vote.

797
00:46:06,163 --> 00:46:08,832
Make judgments on just
about everything.

798
00:46:08,832 --> 00:46:12,503
But why should it be that
I earn as much in one hour

799
00:46:12,503 --> 00:46:16,140
posing in a girdle as my
illiterate old man used to make

800
00:46:16,140 --> 00:46:18,208
in a week in the mines.

801
00:46:18,208 --> 00:46:19,276
Because Monkey dear

802
00:46:19,276 --> 00:46:21,178
the output of one
West Virginia coal miner

803
00:46:21,178 --> 00:46:23,147
has far less influence
on the national economy

804
00:46:23,147 --> 00:46:28,552
than your delicious body
in Vogue or Harpers Bazaar.

805
00:46:28,552 --> 00:46:30,154
You know something, Breaky?

806
00:46:30,154 --> 00:46:32,523
- You're brilliant.
- I'm not brilliant.

807
00:46:32,523 --> 00:46:34,391
And stop calling me
Breaky.

808
00:46:34,391 --> 00:46:38,028
But you are my Breaky.
My breakthrough.

809
00:46:38,028 --> 00:46:43,033
That's what I told my shrink,
Dr. Morris Q. Frankel, M.D.

810
00:46:43,033 --> 00:46:46,336
God, when I think of all
the time I spent thrashing

811
00:46:46,336 --> 00:46:48,038
on that couch of his.

812
00:46:48,038 --> 00:46:49,740
Say something to me,
doctor, anything.

813
00:46:49,740 --> 00:46:53,110
Tell me why I'm always involved
with such cold-hearted shits

814
00:46:53,110 --> 00:46:54,912
instead of with men.

815
00:46:54,912 --> 00:46:56,713
And he'd sit there like dead.

816
00:46:56,713 --> 00:47:00,484
- Maybe he is.
- No, I know he's alive.

817
00:47:00,484 --> 00:47:05,622
I mean who ever heard of a dead
man with an answering service.

818
00:47:06,757 --> 00:47:09,026
So, what did Harper say
when you told him

819
00:47:09,026 --> 00:47:10,828
I was your breakthrough?
Christ, what a word!

820
00:47:10,828 --> 00:47:14,731
Well, he didn't say yes, but
then he didn't say no, either.

821
00:47:14,731 --> 00:47:17,501
- But he did cough.
- 'Ah-ha!'

822
00:47:17,868 --> 00:47:21,338
Sometimes he coughs,
sometimes he grunts.

823
00:47:21,338 --> 00:47:22,673
Sometimes he belches.

824
00:47:22,673 --> 00:47:26,376
- Sometimes he even farts.
- 'How did you know that?'

825
00:47:26,376 --> 00:47:31,014
Negative transference reaction
of an orthodox Freudian.

826
00:47:31,014 --> 00:47:35,352
Incidentally, what startled you
when the true confessions came?

827
00:47:39,189 --> 00:47:41,225
Did you hear me?

828
00:47:41,225 --> 00:47:43,293
I don't know.

829
00:47:43,994 --> 00:47:47,497
Yes, I do. It was a couple
of years after my divorce.

830
00:47:47,497 --> 00:47:49,933
I tried to kill myself a little.

831
00:47:49,933 --> 00:47:51,702
That's nice.

832
00:47:52,202 --> 00:47:55,339
I made a pass at
my wrist with a razor

833
00:47:55,339 --> 00:47:56,773
at the padre of El Morocco.

834
00:47:56,773 --> 00:48:00,444
Something dumb, unimportant
that my boyfriend said to me.

835
00:48:00,444 --> 00:48:02,479
Which do you wanna
tell me about first?

836
00:48:02,479 --> 00:48:04,915
- The boyfriend or the husband?
- Neither.

837
00:48:04,915 --> 00:48:07,584
I didn't give you that choice.

838
00:48:08,919 --> 00:48:13,056
Okay. My husband. Jacques.

839
00:48:13,056 --> 00:48:15,025
Can you believe it?

840
00:48:15,025 --> 00:48:17,294
French, 50, filthy rich

841
00:48:17,294 --> 00:48:20,497
and as it later turned out,
just plain filthy.

842
00:48:20,497 --> 00:48:23,333
I was modeling in a show
"The Pitti Palace in Florence"

843
00:48:23,333 --> 00:48:25,369
'I don't know what
he was doing there.'

844
00:48:25,369 --> 00:48:28,338
'He manufactures ball bearings
or something.'

845
00:48:28,338 --> 00:48:31,475
'Probably looking
for someone just like me.'

846
00:48:31,475 --> 00:48:33,277
Aren't we all?

847
00:48:33,277 --> 00:48:35,412
Anyway, he found me.

848
00:48:35,712 --> 00:48:39,716
And inside of a week,
he knocked me over completely.

849
00:48:39,716 --> 00:48:41,885
Wedding bells and all,
took me back to Paris.

850
00:48:41,885 --> 00:48:45,322
Guess the only reason I stuck
with him as long as I did

851
00:48:45,322 --> 00:48:48,592
was I must have felt sorry
for the poor bastard.

852
00:48:48,592 --> 00:48:53,563
Our marriage, all 14 months of
it. It's kinda like hilarious.

853
00:48:53,563 --> 00:48:57,467
If you're pretty good at
laughing while throwing up.

854
00:48:57,467 --> 00:49:00,270
You wanna hear
our groovy sex life?

855
00:49:00,270 --> 00:49:02,839
'Me, in bed beside him
while he's jerking off'

856
00:49:02,839 --> 00:49:06,977
'into a copy of a magazine
called Carter Belt.'

857
00:49:06,977 --> 00:49:09,046
'Flown over,
direct from 42nd Street.'

858
00:49:09,046 --> 00:49:12,582
What'd you expect him to use,
The Atlantic Monthly?

859
00:49:18,288 --> 00:49:20,991
So, how come you're in
such a good mood lately?

860
00:49:20,991 --> 00:49:22,526
- Who's in a good mood?
- 'You.'

861
00:49:22,526 --> 00:49:26,596
'You haven't been Mr. Hot Under
The Collar for five weeks.'

862
00:49:26,596 --> 00:49:29,967
- 'I've been counting.'
- Must be the weather.

863
00:49:29,967 --> 00:49:32,436
'You want me to tell you
what it is?'

864
00:49:32,436 --> 00:49:33,804
No, but you're going to anyway.

865
00:49:33,804 --> 00:49:38,642
'It's a girl. That's what it is.
With long hair, long legs.'

866
00:49:38,642 --> 00:49:40,911
You've been going to
that fortune teller again.

867
00:49:40,911 --> 00:49:43,013
Save the smart remarks
for Channel 13

868
00:49:43,013 --> 00:49:44,581
and tell us about her.

869
00:49:44,581 --> 00:49:45,248
Who?

870
00:49:45,248 --> 00:49:46,984
'The one Pearly Ellenstein
saw you with.'

871
00:49:46,984 --> 00:49:51,254
- 'She was shopping for girdle''
- She could use one herself.

872
00:49:51,254 --> 00:49:54,124
The one you were kissing
in daylight on 57th Street

873
00:49:54,124 --> 00:49:56,226
and 6th Avenue when
Tessy Burlinger was getting

874
00:49:56,226 --> 00:49:58,462
on the bus and almost
tripped on the steps.

875
00:49:58,462 --> 00:50:01,098
That'll teach her to
keep her eyes in place.

876
00:50:01,098 --> 00:50:02,933
- So?
- So, congratulations.

877
00:50:02,933 --> 00:50:06,069
I hope you and the CIA
are very happy together.

878
00:50:06,069 --> 00:50:09,906
- That's no answer!
- Okay, okay.

879
00:50:09,906 --> 00:50:13,910
I wanted to save you the crying
wailing, moaning and groaning.

880
00:50:13,910 --> 00:50:16,546
I'm going with a girl.
A shiksa!

881
00:50:16,546 --> 00:50:18,348
What's so new about that?

882
00:50:18,348 --> 00:50:20,951
In your life did you ever
go with a Jewish girl?

883
00:50:20,951 --> 00:50:24,521
When I was 12 years old I walked
a girl named Irene to school.

884
00:50:24,521 --> 00:50:29,826
- And it killed you, didn't it?
- Jack, please, your stomach.

885
00:50:29,826 --> 00:50:33,330
- So, you like this girl?
- I like a lot of girls.

886
00:50:33,330 --> 00:50:37,434
- And she likes the Jews?
- One. Me.

887
00:50:37,434 --> 00:50:40,937
You think maybe she'd like
your mother and father?

888
00:50:40,937 --> 00:50:42,839
How do I know?
Why shouldn't she?

889
00:50:42,839 --> 00:50:46,109
You think maybe
she'd like to meet us?

890
00:50:47,344 --> 00:50:49,379
I'll ask her sometime. Okay?

891
00:50:49,379 --> 00:50:52,382
Yes, okay!
This I wanna see.

892
00:50:52,382 --> 00:50:54,384
They'll put it down
in the history books.

893
00:50:54,384 --> 00:50:58,622
Ask her the next time, you take
her to some motel for the night.

894
00:50:58,622 --> 00:51:02,092
It's not a motel.
It's not for the night.

895
00:51:02,092 --> 00:51:03,960
It's an inn, in Vermont.

896
00:51:03,960 --> 00:51:07,964
And it's for the weekend,
this coming weekend.

897
00:51:08,532 --> 00:51:11,034
Plum, darling,
light of the world.

898
00:51:11,034 --> 00:51:16,306
Think about what you're doing.
Don't give yourself away cheap.

899
00:51:16,306 --> 00:51:17,908
You must be careful
of your life.

900
00:51:17,908 --> 00:51:20,744
- Listen to what we're saying.
- Who can help listening?

901
00:51:20,744 --> 00:51:23,880
Without the scowl, thank you.
And the brilliant back talk!

902
00:51:23,880 --> 00:51:25,782
We know we have lived,
we've seen it.

903
00:51:25,782 --> 00:51:29,986
It doesn't work my plum. They're
another breed of human being.

904
00:51:29,986 --> 00:51:31,021
Jack, tell him.

905
00:51:31,021 --> 00:51:33,690
Don't throw away a brilliant
future on a blondie, please.

906
00:51:33,690 --> 00:51:37,661
She'll take you for your worth,
leave you bleeding in a gutter.

907
00:51:37,661 --> 00:51:41,164
A brilliant baby boy like you.

908
00:51:41,164 --> 00:51:43,967
She'll eat you alive.

909
00:51:43,967 --> 00:51:45,702
[classical music]

910
00:52:07,224 --> 00:52:08,959
[music continues]

911
00:52:21,571 --> 00:52:23,273
[music continues]

912
00:52:33,984 --> 00:52:35,719
[music continues]

913
00:52:47,197 --> 00:52:48,932
[music continues]

914
00:52:56,273 --> 00:52:58,041
Hey. Nice.

915
00:52:58,041 --> 00:53:00,043
That's what all the girls say.

916
00:53:00,043 --> 00:53:02,779
Better slip one of your rings
on to the appropriate finger.

917
00:53:02,779 --> 00:53:05,649
- You're a married woman here.
- Thought you'd never ask me.

918
00:53:05,649 --> 00:53:09,586
I reserved the room for us in
the name of Mr. and Mrs. Mandel.

919
00:53:09,586 --> 00:53:12,122
- Who he?
- A hero out of my North past.

920
00:53:12,122 --> 00:53:15,325
Being in public life,
I have to be discreet.

921
00:53:15,325 --> 00:53:19,062
Just as long as you
make up for it in private.

922
00:53:24,734 --> 00:53:25,936
Hi.

923
00:53:28,238 --> 00:53:30,073
'Good afternoon.'

924
00:53:36,046 --> 00:53:39,382
- I hate to interrupt.
- Oh, yes, that was, uh..

925
00:53:39,382 --> 00:53:41,818
Mr. and Mrs. Arnold Mandel.

926
00:53:41,818 --> 00:53:44,120
Uh, yes, 22.

927
00:53:44,621 --> 00:53:46,389
- Arnold.
- 'Yes, dear.'

928
00:53:46,389 --> 00:53:52,229
We simply must take back some
maple syrup for Mother Mandel.

929
00:53:52,229 --> 00:53:56,833
Yes. She loves to pour it
on my knishes.

930
00:53:56,833 --> 00:53:59,836
'What an intriguing idea!'

931
00:54:06,643 --> 00:54:12,382
Let's go to bed now, Arnold
and take a nice long nap.

932
00:54:12,382 --> 00:54:14,951
Anything you'd like, dear.

933
00:54:18,555 --> 00:54:23,193
- No phone calls, please.
- 'No phone calls.'

934
00:54:31,601 --> 00:54:34,537
And would you please have
a bottle of maple syrup

935
00:54:34,537 --> 00:54:37,274
sent to our room immediately?

936
00:54:42,646 --> 00:54:44,848
[crickets chirping]

937
00:55:00,764 --> 00:55:03,967
Oh, I just can't
get enough of you.

938
00:55:03,967 --> 00:55:06,169
I'm very unsatisfying.

939
00:55:14,044 --> 00:55:16,279
Am I a nymphomaniac?

940
00:55:16,279 --> 00:55:18,448
Or is it the wedding ring?

941
00:55:18,448 --> 00:55:21,251
I thought maybe it was
the illicitness of an inn.

942
00:55:21,251 --> 00:55:25,922
Oh, it's something.
I feel so..

943
00:55:25,922 --> 00:55:29,826
I feel so crazy.

944
00:55:29,826 --> 00:55:31,628
And so tender.

945
00:55:31,628 --> 00:55:35,265
So wildly tender with you.

946
00:55:35,265 --> 00:55:36,399
Strange.

947
00:55:36,399 --> 00:55:38,234
- What?
- Me too.

948
00:55:40,303 --> 00:55:42,405
Oh, my baby.

949
00:55:42,872 --> 00:55:45,975
I keep thinking I'm gonna cry.

950
00:55:45,975 --> 00:55:47,377
[laughs]

951
00:55:47,377 --> 00:55:49,479
My monkey.

952
00:55:49,479 --> 00:55:52,916
- And I'm so happy.
- Me too.

953
00:55:56,886 --> 00:56:01,691
Have you ever felt
like this before?

954
00:56:01,691 --> 00:56:03,193
Never.

955
00:56:03,827 --> 00:56:07,397
Never. It's scary.

956
00:56:10,633 --> 00:56:13,503
What do we do?

957
00:56:13,503 --> 00:56:15,872
Not talk it away.

958
00:56:18,141 --> 00:56:19,876
[music continues]

959
00:56:35,759 --> 00:56:37,494
[music continues]

960
00:57:06,389 --> 00:57:08,124
[music continues]

961
00:57:18,334 --> 00:57:20,036
[music continues]

962
00:57:33,716 --> 00:57:35,452
[music continues]

963
00:57:51,067 --> 00:57:52,802
[music continues]

964
00:58:19,128 --> 00:58:20,864
[music continues]

965
00:58:41,784 --> 00:58:43,520
[music continues]

966
00:58:49,759 --> 00:58:52,362
(Mary)
'Sleeping?'

967
00:58:52,362 --> 00:58:55,298
(Alex)
'Uh-uh.'

968
00:58:55,298 --> 00:58:58,434
(Mary)
'Thinking?'

969
00:58:58,434 --> 00:59:01,070
(Alex)
'Uh-uh.'

970
00:59:01,070 --> 00:59:02,372
What?

971
00:59:09,379 --> 00:59:10,613
Feeling.

972
00:59:11,814 --> 00:59:14,250
Too much feeling.

973
00:59:14,784 --> 00:59:19,289
- Poor frightened baby.
- Some baby.

974
00:59:27,797 --> 00:59:33,369
Hey, I-I know a poem
and I'm going to recite it.

975
00:59:33,369 --> 00:59:37,941
Oh! Not now.
I don't understand poems.

976
00:59:37,941 --> 00:59:40,910
You'll understand this one.
It's about fucking.

977
00:59:40,910 --> 00:59:44,948
- A swan fucks a beautiful girl.
- Oh! Goody!

978
00:59:44,948 --> 00:59:46,916
But it's a serious poem.

979
00:59:46,916 --> 00:59:49,619
Recite the dirty poem, Portnoy.

980
00:59:50,687 --> 00:59:54,057
"A sudden blow,
the great wings beating still."

981
00:59:54,057 --> 00:59:57,427
"Above the staggering girl,
her thighs caressed."

982
00:59:57,427 --> 01:00:00,029
"By the dark webs,
her nape caught in his bill."

983
01:00:00,029 --> 01:00:03,700
"He holds her helpless breast
upon his breast.

984
01:00:03,700 --> 01:00:05,835
Hmm, where did you learn
something like that?

985
01:00:05,835 --> 01:00:08,838
- Sshh, sshh, there's more.
- Hmm.

986
01:00:08,838 --> 01:00:11,307
"How can those terrified
vague fingers push

987
01:00:11,307 --> 01:00:14,644
the feathered glory
from her loosening thighs?"

988
01:00:14,644 --> 01:00:15,945
Hey, thighs.

989
01:00:15,945 --> 01:00:18,114
"And how can body,
laid in that white rush

990
01:00:18,114 --> 01:00:22,585
but feel the strange heart
beating where it lies?"

991
01:00:22,585 --> 01:00:25,622
"A shudder in the loins
engenders there."

992
01:00:25,622 --> 01:00:27,490
Yeah, shuddering loins.

993
01:00:27,490 --> 01:00:32,028
"The broken wall,
the burning roof and tower

994
01:00:32,028 --> 01:00:34,030
and Agamemnon dead."

995
01:00:34,030 --> 01:00:37,900
"Being so caught up, so mastered
by the brute blood of the air."

996
01:00:37,900 --> 01:00:40,536
"Did she put on his knowledge
with his power

997
01:00:40,536 --> 01:00:45,375
before the indifferent beak
could let her drop?"

998
01:00:45,375 --> 01:00:47,176
Oh!

999
01:00:47,176 --> 01:00:49,012
That's it.

1000
01:00:51,814 --> 01:00:56,152
Feel...feel what
it did to me.

1001
01:00:56,152 --> 01:00:57,453
[laughing]

1002
01:00:57,453 --> 01:01:00,289
Sweetheart,
you understood the poem.

1003
01:01:00,289 --> 01:01:01,724
Do you mean it?

1004
01:01:01,724 --> 01:01:04,527
I'm with my favorite
part of you, no less.

1005
01:01:04,527 --> 01:01:07,930
Oh, my breakthrough baby.

1006
01:01:07,930 --> 01:01:10,967
You're turning me into a genius.

1007
01:01:12,735 --> 01:01:19,676
Oh, baby darling, take me.
Take every educated part of me.

1008
01:01:19,676 --> 01:01:21,444
[chuckles]

1009
01:01:30,353 --> 01:01:32,188
[water dripping]

1010
01:01:32,488 --> 01:01:34,924
You know something?

1011
01:01:35,658 --> 01:01:41,964
My little Virginia is so sore,
it can hardly breathe.

1012
01:01:41,964 --> 01:01:44,434
Poor little Virginia.

1013
01:01:44,901 --> 01:01:47,036
Hey, you know what,
let's do tonight?

1014
01:01:47,036 --> 01:01:50,873
Let's eat a big dinner, a lot
of wine and chocolate mousse

1015
01:01:50,873 --> 01:01:54,577
and then come up here and get
into our 200-year-old bed

1016
01:01:54,577 --> 01:01:56,913
and not screw.

1017
01:01:58,181 --> 01:02:00,016
Just be close.

1018
01:02:22,305 --> 01:02:24,841
How're you doing, Arn?

1019
01:02:26,075 --> 01:02:27,844
I don't know.

1020
01:02:28,578 --> 01:02:32,982
This is fun, isn't it?
Kind of like being 80.

1021
01:02:32,982 --> 01:02:34,584
Or eight.

1022
01:02:36,686 --> 01:02:38,921
Goodnight, again.

1023
01:02:38,921 --> 01:02:40,289
Goodnight.

1024
01:02:42,625 --> 01:02:44,293
Mrs. Mandel?

1025
01:02:44,927 --> 01:02:45,862
Hmm?

1026
01:02:45,862 --> 01:02:49,332
I've got something to show you.

1027
01:02:49,332 --> 01:02:50,933
What?

1028
01:02:57,140 --> 01:02:58,474
Look.

1029
01:03:02,779 --> 01:03:04,180
What?

1030
01:03:04,180 --> 01:03:05,181
This.

1031
01:03:05,181 --> 01:03:08,217
Oh, no, Arnold! No!

1032
01:03:08,217 --> 01:03:09,919
Yes, Arnold! Yes!

1033
01:03:09,919 --> 01:03:12,889
Please, I'm saving myself
for my husband.

1034
01:03:12,889 --> 01:03:15,558
That don't mean nothing
to a swan lady.

1035
01:03:15,558 --> 01:03:18,294
Please, please, do unhand me.

1036
01:03:18,294 --> 01:03:21,030
Oh, feel my feather.

1037
01:03:21,030 --> 01:03:22,799
A Jewish swan.

1038
01:03:22,799 --> 01:03:26,169
I said, my feather,
not my nose.

1039
01:03:26,169 --> 01:03:32,175
Alex! Alex, your nose!
The indifferent beak.

1040
01:03:32,175 --> 01:03:34,977
I just understood
the poem again, didn't I?

1041
01:03:34,977 --> 01:03:38,581
Oh, Christ.
You are a marvelous girl.

1042
01:03:38,581 --> 01:03:42,318
Oh...am I?

1043
01:03:42,318 --> 01:03:45,555
Yes, yes, yes, yes.

1044
01:03:45,555 --> 01:03:46,889
Now can I do it?

1045
01:03:46,889 --> 01:03:51,994
Oh, sweetheart, darling,
do anything you want to me.

1046
01:03:51,994 --> 01:03:56,032
Only, please be kind
to little Virginia.

1047
01:03:56,032 --> 01:03:57,767
[engine revving]

1048
01:04:09,178 --> 01:04:11,881
- You know something?
- Hmm?

1049
01:04:12,315 --> 01:04:15,051
I don't think
I hate you anymore.

1050
01:04:15,051 --> 01:04:17,453
I'll see what I can
do about it.

1051
01:04:17,453 --> 01:04:19,488
Please, don't.

1052
01:04:19,488 --> 01:04:21,324
Alright.

1053
01:04:27,330 --> 01:04:31,934
Wouldn't it be nice not to have
to go back to that goddamn city?

1054
01:04:31,934 --> 01:04:33,836
Mm-hmm.

1055
01:04:37,406 --> 01:04:40,409
Wouldn't it be nice
to live in the country?

1056
01:04:40,409 --> 01:04:42,011
Mm-hmm.

1057
01:04:42,278 --> 01:04:42,712
[sighs]

1058
01:04:42,712 --> 01:04:47,683
Have a lot of simple chores
and just go around all day

1059
01:04:47,683 --> 01:04:51,520
doing 'em, not even think
of them as chores.

1060
01:04:51,520 --> 01:04:53,089
Mm-hmm.

1061
01:04:53,322 --> 01:04:53,923
[clicks tongue]

1062
01:04:53,923 --> 01:04:58,828
Wouldn't it be nice to just
not think about yourself?

1063
01:04:58,828 --> 01:05:02,131
For whole weeks at a stretch.

1064
01:05:03,566 --> 01:05:05,868
Wear old clothes and be yourself

1065
01:05:05,868 --> 01:05:10,006
and not have to come on smartass
and tough all the time.

1066
01:05:13,843 --> 01:05:17,113
Wouldn't it be kinda
marvelous some day to..

1067
01:05:17,780 --> 01:05:20,616
...settle down in the country?

1068
01:05:21,817 --> 01:05:24,687
With somebody you really liked.

1069
01:05:26,422 --> 01:05:28,991
Wouldn't that be something?

1070
01:05:39,101 --> 01:05:41,237
- Alex.
- Uh-huh?

1071
01:05:43,806 --> 01:05:45,574
What are you thinking?

1072
01:05:45,574 --> 01:05:48,311
Nothing, I don't know,
nothing.

1073
01:05:58,287 --> 01:06:00,423
Oh, fuck the country.

1074
01:06:00,423 --> 01:06:02,191
[music on radio]

1075
01:06:03,259 --> 01:06:04,827
[humming]

1076
01:06:19,075 --> 01:06:21,143
[music continues]

1077
01:06:27,049 --> 01:06:31,554
(Alex)
Doctor, was it out of guilt,
I invited her three weeks later

1078
01:06:31,554 --> 01:06:35,157
to go with me to the Mayor's
formal dinner party?

1079
01:06:38,160 --> 01:06:39,562
[car horn beeping]

1080
01:06:47,803 --> 01:06:49,505
[jazz music]

1081
01:07:02,418 --> 01:07:03,986
Hello?

1082
01:07:09,125 --> 01:07:12,628
Monkey?

1083
01:07:12,628 --> 01:07:14,363
[music continues]

1084
01:07:25,775 --> 01:07:28,044
Mary Jane.

1085
01:07:32,148 --> 01:07:34,216
[running water]

1086
01:07:45,628 --> 01:07:47,930
-'Is that you darling?'
- Yes, it is.

1087
01:07:47,930 --> 01:07:49,799
'Come on in.
The water's fine.'

1088
01:07:49,799 --> 01:07:52,935
Listen, do you realise
how late we're going to be?

1089
01:07:52,935 --> 01:07:54,603
Why aren't you ready?

1090
01:07:54,603 --> 01:07:58,040
How about calling the Mayor and
telling him to hold everything?

1091
01:07:58,040 --> 01:08:00,776
- Your apartment door was open.
- Oh, again?

1092
01:08:00,776 --> 01:08:04,380
Did it ever occur to you anybody
could come in here like I did?

1093
01:08:04,380 --> 01:08:07,650
Why would anyone wanna do that?
All my money's in the bank.

1094
01:08:07,650 --> 01:08:11,353
That's not a satisfactory
reply and please hurry.

1095
01:08:16,525 --> 01:08:19,295
Fix yourself a drink.

1096
01:08:19,295 --> 01:08:21,964
Better make it a big one.

1097
01:08:21,964 --> 01:08:22,465
[sighs]

1098
01:08:22,465 --> 01:08:24,834
'I'll be ready in like a jiffy''

1099
01:08:24,834 --> 01:08:31,006
Tch. Like crazy, like a cougar.
Like, yeah man.

1100
01:08:52,695 --> 01:08:57,800
"Dear Willa, polish the floor
by bathroom please

1101
01:08:57,800 --> 01:09:05,274
and don't forget the insies
of windows. Mary Jane R."

1102
01:09:06,942 --> 01:09:11,313
Huh! P-L-E-Z-E?

1103
01:09:11,313 --> 01:09:16,185
Forget! For Christ's sake!
F-U-R!

1104
01:09:18,487 --> 01:09:20,022
Jesus.

1105
01:09:26,962 --> 01:09:28,564
'Hi.'

1106
01:09:30,232 --> 01:09:32,668
Just little ol' me.

1107
01:09:46,582 --> 01:09:49,485
You know you're kinda
beautiful in a tux.

1108
01:09:51,687 --> 01:09:52,922
Thanks.

1109
01:09:57,693 --> 01:10:00,829
Don't suppose I'd have
time for a drink.

1110
01:10:02,531 --> 01:10:05,367
- Uh-uh.
- No, better not.

1111
01:10:05,367 --> 01:10:09,471
Hard enough to know how
to talk to a mayor cold sober.

1112
01:10:10,839 --> 01:10:14,343
Real honest to God, Mayor.
Mary Jane Reid..

1113
01:10:14,343 --> 01:10:18,814
...if only the folks back
home could see you now.

1114
01:10:20,382 --> 01:10:23,619
I thought you were
in such a goddamn hurry.

1115
01:10:28,857 --> 01:10:30,426
Yeah.

1116
01:10:41,870 --> 01:10:45,741
- Okay, what's bugging you, Max?
- 'Nothing.'

1117
01:10:45,741 --> 01:10:49,311
- You hate the way I look.
- Don't be ridiculous.

1118
01:10:49,311 --> 01:10:50,913
Driver, Peck and Peck.

1119
01:10:50,913 --> 01:10:53,649
Shut up. Gracie Mansion, driver.

1120
01:10:56,485 --> 01:10:59,188
I'm getting radiation poisoning,
from what your giving off.

1121
01:10:59,188 --> 01:11:01,857
I'm not giving off shit.
I've said nothing.

1122
01:11:01,857 --> 01:11:06,895
You got those black heeb eyes.
Man, they say it for you.

1123
01:11:06,895 --> 01:11:09,932
- Relax.
- You relax.

1124
01:11:09,932 --> 01:11:11,500
I am.

1125
01:11:12,268 --> 01:11:16,672
Only for Christ's sake, don't
say "cunt" to the Mayor's wife.

1126
01:11:18,040 --> 01:11:20,309
- What?
- You heard me.

1127
01:11:20,309 --> 01:11:22,044
When we get there
don't start talking

1128
01:11:22,044 --> 01:11:25,047
about your favorite positions,
to whoever opens the door.

1129
01:11:25,047 --> 01:11:27,316
Don't make a grab
for big John's schlong

1130
01:11:27,316 --> 01:11:30,819
until we've been there
at least an hour. Okay?

1131
01:11:35,357 --> 01:11:38,460
I'll say and do,
and wear anything I want.

1132
01:11:38,460 --> 01:11:43,565
This is a free country,
you up-uptight Jewish prick!

1133
01:11:43,565 --> 01:11:44,967
[tires screech]

1134
01:11:46,568 --> 01:11:49,738
'...you nazi bitch.'

1135
01:11:54,209 --> 01:11:57,379
Monkey! Come on! Honey!

1136
01:11:59,348 --> 01:12:03,152
Mary Jane. Come on.
Come on, come on.

1137
01:12:03,152 --> 01:12:04,053
- Jesus!
- A week now..

1138
01:12:04,053 --> 01:12:06,155
Ever since Vermont,
picking on me all the time.

1139
01:12:06,155 --> 01:12:09,458
- Stop it! Don't do this!
- It's the way you look at me.

1140
01:12:09,458 --> 01:12:11,226
- You pick on me!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

1141
01:12:11,226 --> 01:12:13,796
- You're not listening to me!
- I'm listening to you!

1142
01:12:13,796 --> 01:12:15,664
Keep your voice down,
I'll listen to you.

1143
01:12:15,664 --> 01:12:18,867
I opened the door at night,
I'm so dying to see you--

1144
01:12:18,867 --> 01:12:21,036
- We'll be late.
- You have those fucking eyes.

1145
01:12:21,036 --> 01:12:23,472
- Picking all the wrongs in me.
- Let's go!

1146
01:12:23,472 --> 01:12:25,007
- Listen to me!
- I'm listening!

1147
01:12:25,007 --> 01:12:27,976
I'm not insecure enough to get
that expression on your face

1148
01:12:27,976 --> 01:12:31,013
- the minute I open my mouth.
- You're right. It's my fault.

1149
01:12:31,013 --> 01:12:34,550
I mean, I can't give you the
time of day, without that look.

1150
01:12:34,550 --> 01:12:38,153
"Oh, shit. Here comes another
dumb and stupid remark

1151
01:12:38,153 --> 01:12:42,091
out of that brainless twat."
Well, I'm not brainless.

1152
01:12:42,091 --> 01:12:45,728
- Right.
- And I'm not a twat, either.

1153
01:12:45,728 --> 01:12:47,229
Right.

1154
01:12:48,163 --> 01:12:51,900
Just 'cause I didn't
go to big deal Havard.

1155
01:12:51,900 --> 01:12:54,603
And don't gimme any more
of your shit about behaving

1156
01:12:54,603 --> 01:12:57,172
in front of your-
your goddamn Mayor and his wife.

1157
01:12:57,172 --> 01:13:01,944
Just who the hell is he?
A lousy stinking Mayor.

1158
01:13:01,944 --> 01:13:02,845
Quiet!

1159
01:13:02,845 --> 01:13:06,749
You forget, I was married to one
of the richest men in France.

1160
01:13:06,749 --> 01:13:09,184
- Come on!
- I was still 18 years old.

1161
01:13:09,184 --> 01:13:11,019
Stop acting like
a child will you?

1162
01:13:11,019 --> 01:13:13,122
I was a guest
at Ali Khan's for dinner

1163
01:13:13,122 --> 01:13:15,791
when you were still
back in New York, New Jersery..

1164
01:13:15,791 --> 01:13:18,260
...finger fucking
your little Jewish girlfriend.

1165
01:13:18,260 --> 01:13:20,362
They weren't Jewish.

1166
01:13:20,362 --> 01:13:22,998
[ballroom music in distance]

1167
01:13:26,602 --> 01:13:29,371
This is your idea
of a love affair?

1168
01:13:30,105 --> 01:13:32,040
You treat a woman
like a leper?

1169
01:13:32,040 --> 01:13:35,878
Of course not, honey.
I told you I was sorry.

1170
01:13:35,878 --> 01:13:38,013
Now, will you listen to me?

1171
01:13:38,013 --> 01:13:42,684
I love you, Alex.
I worship and adore you.

1172
01:13:42,684 --> 01:13:45,788
So, don't put me down
anymore, please.

1173
01:13:45,788 --> 01:13:48,824
'Cause I just can't
take it anymore.

1174
01:13:48,824 --> 01:13:52,661
I don't mean to put you down.
I swear, I don't.

1175
01:14:08,143 --> 01:14:10,379
Hey, what are you-
what are you doing?

1176
01:14:10,379 --> 01:14:12,748
- 'I want to.'
- No.

1177
01:14:12,748 --> 01:14:14,016
- 'Yes.'
- Here?

1178
01:14:14,016 --> 01:14:16,552
- 'Yes.'
- Monkey, no-no.

1179
01:14:16,552 --> 01:14:19,822
There are plainclothesman
all over the place tonight.

1180
01:14:19,822 --> 01:14:22,558
'They'll haul us in creating
a public nuisance.'

1181
01:14:22,558 --> 01:14:25,627
'Oh, you terrible, don't stop''

1182
01:14:25,627 --> 01:14:29,631
'Oh, Monkey, what a terrible
thing to do'

1183
01:14:29,631 --> 01:14:33,001
'to the Mayor of New York.'

1184
01:14:35,838 --> 01:14:38,607
(Alex)
'I don't know, Spielvogel,
you tell me.'

1185
01:14:38,607 --> 01:14:40,509
'Maybe this wasn't
a love affair.'

1186
01:14:40,509 --> 01:14:43,679
Maybe it was just what's
called an honest mistake.

1187
01:14:43,679 --> 01:14:46,849
Who the hell knows?
Maybe you do.

1188
01:14:46,849 --> 01:14:49,818
All I know is, when it came
time for my summer vacation

1189
01:14:49,818 --> 01:14:54,356
I couldn't wait to invite her
to go along with me to Europe.

1190
01:14:57,860 --> 01:14:59,761
[speaking foreign language]

1191
01:15:04,666 --> 01:15:06,368
[Italian music]

1192
01:15:10,672 --> 01:15:13,008
- Not bad, huh?
- I've seen better.

1193
01:15:13,008 --> 01:15:17,613
Like that blonde buying
the tiara in Bulgari?

1194
01:15:17,613 --> 01:15:17,946
Hey.

1195
01:15:17,946 --> 01:15:20,115
Or Countess...whatever the hell
her name was.

1196
01:15:20,115 --> 01:15:23,218
The one with the gorgeous bust
at Gore Vidal's party?

1197
01:15:23,218 --> 01:15:26,421
- You don't miss a thing do you?
- I try not to.

1198
01:15:26,421 --> 01:15:29,358
Can I ask you a very
personal question?

1199
01:15:29,358 --> 01:15:32,494
If you hold my hand or my leg.

1200
01:15:34,263 --> 01:15:36,732
- Are you loaded?
- I think so.

1201
01:15:36,732 --> 01:15:38,867
- Me too.
- Want another?

1202
01:15:38,867 --> 01:15:40,469
I don't need one.

1203
01:15:40,469 --> 01:15:44,573
By the way,
that wasn't the question.

1204
01:15:44,573 --> 01:15:46,909
You like girls?

1205
01:15:46,909 --> 01:15:50,445
- Is that the question?
- Aha.

1206
01:15:50,445 --> 01:15:52,381
- Do you dig men?
- Never.

1207
01:15:52,381 --> 01:15:57,953
- Notice I answered, you didn't.
- Jesus, you're almost exciting.

1208
01:15:57,953 --> 01:16:03,392
And as for you, I've never seen
one city make one man so horny.

1209
01:16:03,392 --> 01:16:05,060
You're not gonna answer, right?

1210
01:16:05,060 --> 01:16:10,299
You want me to say yes, so you'd
pick one up and say it's for me.

1211
01:16:10,299 --> 01:16:13,669
- For you.
- For us, then.

1212
01:16:13,669 --> 01:16:16,338
- You've been hinting at it.
- You have.

1213
01:16:16,338 --> 01:16:19,908
Even before we got to Europe,
that stewardess of Pan Am?

1214
01:16:19,908 --> 01:16:21,443
I only said she had great legs

1215
01:16:21,443 --> 01:16:24,746
you were the one who started
speculating or fantacizing

1216
01:16:24,746 --> 01:16:26,982
what she'd be like
in bed with us.

1217
01:16:26,982 --> 01:16:28,784
What are you trying to do, Alex?

1218
01:16:28,784 --> 01:16:31,820
Did you ever make up
your mind about it?

1219
01:16:31,820 --> 01:16:37,225
Spectacular. I think
I'll have that drink now.

1220
01:16:37,225 --> 01:16:39,161
You sure that's all you want?

1221
01:16:39,161 --> 01:16:41,363
All I want is
to please you, darling.

1222
01:16:41,363 --> 01:16:45,934
I want you to be so damn happy
with me that you burst from it.

1223
01:16:45,934 --> 01:16:49,204
I'll do anything to make you
happy. Anything you want.

1224
01:16:49,204 --> 01:16:52,674
- Like another woman in our bed?
- If that's what you wanted?

1225
01:16:52,674 --> 01:16:55,877
Like tonight, like right now,
is that what you want, Monkey?

1226
01:16:55,877 --> 01:16:58,447
- Right now?
- Only for you. Anything.

1227
01:16:58,447 --> 01:17:03,085
- You know what you're saying?
- Yes, yes, I love you, Breaky.

1228
01:17:03,085 --> 01:17:06,955
Pay the check.
Let's get the hell outta here.

1229
01:17:08,790 --> 01:17:10,492
[cars honking]

1230
01:17:19,868 --> 01:17:22,437
There's one over there.

1231
01:17:24,640 --> 01:17:26,441
Forget it.

1232
01:17:27,309 --> 01:17:29,811
Her or the whole idea?

1233
01:17:33,749 --> 01:17:35,450
[engine revving]

1234
01:17:38,954 --> 01:17:41,723
[women speaking
foreign language]

1235
01:17:50,599 --> 01:17:52,534
Should I stop?

1236
01:17:53,201 --> 01:17:57,406
- Do what you feel like.
- I feel like you.

1237
01:18:00,208 --> 01:18:02,744
- Hi, there!
- You have a girl.

1238
01:18:02,744 --> 01:18:04,746
What do you want with us?

1239
01:18:04,746 --> 01:18:06,014
[speaking foreign language]

1240
01:18:06,014 --> 01:18:09,051
Wait a minute, you don't
understand we want one--

1241
01:18:09,051 --> 01:18:09,918
[honking]

1242
01:18:09,918 --> 01:18:11,887
[man shouting foreign language]

1243
01:18:11,887 --> 01:18:14,189
Alright! Alright!

1244
01:18:16,425 --> 01:18:19,094
Hey. Hey, now listen.
Will you listen to me?

1245
01:18:19,094 --> 01:18:21,029
Go take your wife to a movie.

1246
01:18:21,029 --> 01:18:23,065
[women chattering
in foreign language]

1247
01:18:25,434 --> 01:18:27,536
[speaking Italian]

1248
01:18:35,410 --> 01:18:38,447
I see some of that hi-fashioned
Italian of yours do something.

1249
01:18:38,447 --> 01:18:43,251
- What do you want me to say?
- I'm just along for the ride.

1250
01:18:43,251 --> 01:18:45,987
[speaking foreign language]

1251
01:18:56,264 --> 01:18:57,666
Jesus!

1252
01:18:58,867 --> 01:19:00,702
[foreign language continues]

1253
01:19:19,421 --> 01:19:21,289
Okay.

1254
01:19:24,159 --> 01:19:26,027
You gotta be kidding.

1255
01:19:26,027 --> 01:19:29,030
If I'm kidding, what's
that bulge in your trousers?

1256
01:19:29,030 --> 01:19:30,832
A chocolate eclair?

1257
01:19:31,700 --> 01:19:33,468
[tires screeching]

1258
01:19:35,403 --> 01:19:37,672
[laughing]

1259
01:19:40,442 --> 01:19:43,245
- 'Oh, oh, this is interesting''
- 'Isn't it?'

1260
01:19:43,245 --> 01:19:47,482
- 'Oh, absolutely, fascinating''
- 'Oh, I thought you'd like it''

1261
01:19:47,482 --> 01:19:51,186
'Oh, if only my mother
could see me now.'

1262
01:19:51,186 --> 01:19:53,288
(Mary Jane)
'I'm having trouble
seeing you myself.'

1263
01:19:53,288 --> 01:19:58,393
- 'Oh, here I am. Under here.'
- 'Oh, I thought this was you''

1264
01:20:02,330 --> 01:20:04,933
(Alex)
'Oh, hello there.'

1265
01:20:04,933 --> 01:20:07,769
'And who's little girl are you''

1266
01:20:08,837 --> 01:20:14,643
'You think this act could ever
make it on educational TV?'

1267
01:20:14,643 --> 01:20:17,946
- Do you mind if I sorta this?
- Oh.

1268
01:20:17,946 --> 01:20:22,717
- 'This's you?'
- 'Can't you tell?'

1269
01:20:22,717 --> 01:20:24,986
Oh, it's a foot!

1270
01:20:24,986 --> 01:20:27,889
Well, what's the difference.

1271
01:20:27,889 --> 01:20:30,892
You go there,
I'll go here, okay?

1272
01:20:30,892 --> 01:20:33,428
- Oh, oh, careful.
- Oh, oh.

1273
01:20:33,428 --> 01:20:35,730
(Alex)
'Oh, this is interesting.'

1274
01:20:35,730 --> 01:20:37,699
[speaking foreign language]

1275
01:20:38,500 --> 01:20:40,869
'I want a head down here.
Will you, sweetie?'

1276
01:20:40,869 --> 01:20:44,272
Oh, you'll have to wait.
She's engaged.

1277
01:20:45,173 --> 01:20:48,610
She's engaged
to use his puumala!

1278
01:20:48,610 --> 01:20:50,412
Or was it pums?

1279
01:20:50,412 --> 01:20:52,848
'I wish you like boy.'

1280
01:20:52,848 --> 01:20:57,385
Oh, boy, I've never
been so busy.

1281
01:20:57,385 --> 01:21:01,122
- 'There's so much to do.'
- Don't stop.

1282
01:21:01,122 --> 01:21:02,724
[knocking on door]

1283
01:21:02,724 --> 01:21:06,027
- Who is it?
- 'It's the night maid.'

1284
01:21:06,027 --> 01:21:09,264
Go away. I got all I can handle.

1285
01:21:09,264 --> 01:21:11,032
[jazz music]

1286
01:21:29,384 --> 01:21:31,419
[Alex groaning]

1287
01:21:33,388 --> 01:21:35,223
[groaning intensifies]

1288
01:21:39,594 --> 01:21:41,229
[coughing]

1289
01:21:42,330 --> 01:21:46,534
'Okay, mother.
You're happy now, mother?'

1290
01:21:46,534 --> 01:21:51,172
'I was having too much good,
clean, dirty fun. Huh, Sophie''

1291
01:21:55,577 --> 01:21:57,178
[panting]

1292
01:22:00,815 --> 01:22:02,918
[speaking foreign language]

1293
01:22:30,845 --> 01:22:32,747
Want a drink?

1294
01:22:35,684 --> 01:22:37,519
No good bastard.

1295
01:22:39,454 --> 01:22:40,722
Me?

1296
01:22:42,891 --> 01:22:46,761
Making me do
a thing like that.

1297
01:22:46,761 --> 01:22:49,664
- Me?
- Yes, you.

1298
01:22:49,664 --> 01:22:52,067
You're the one who stuck
your hand between her legs

1299
01:22:52,067 --> 01:22:55,270
and got the ball rolling. You
kissed her on the goddamn lips.

1300
01:22:55,270 --> 01:23:00,308
Because if I'm gonna do
something, then like I do it.

1301
01:23:00,308 --> 01:23:02,744
But that doesn't mean I want to.

1302
01:23:02,744 --> 01:23:04,879
Come on now. Come on.

1303
01:23:04,879 --> 01:23:07,315
- I did it for you.
- Oh.

1304
01:23:07,315 --> 01:23:08,616
Yes!

1305
01:23:09,417 --> 01:23:11,286
And now you hate me for it.

1306
01:23:11,286 --> 01:23:15,223
Christ! There are times when
you make absolutely no sense

1307
01:23:15,223 --> 01:23:16,891
at all and this is one of them.

1308
01:23:16,891 --> 01:23:19,561
You don't like it,
why don't you leave me?

1309
01:23:19,561 --> 01:23:23,631
You got what you wanted tonight,
what you've always wanted.

1310
01:23:23,631 --> 01:23:26,234
Now, you can leave.

1311
01:23:26,234 --> 01:23:28,303
Maybe I will.

1312
01:23:32,707 --> 01:23:36,244
To you, I'm just another
her anyway.

1313
01:23:36,911 --> 01:23:42,183
You with all your big words
and your big shit holy ideals.

1314
01:23:42,183 --> 01:23:48,056
And all I am in your eyes
is just a lesbian and a whore!

1315
01:23:48,056 --> 01:23:52,627
- I called you that?
- You don't have to say it.

1316
01:23:52,627 --> 01:23:55,697
Is that why I brought you
along to Europe with me?

1317
01:23:55,697 --> 01:23:59,434
I don't know. Why did you bring
me along to Europe with you?

1318
01:23:59,434 --> 01:24:02,003
Because I thought we could
love each other.

1319
01:24:02,003 --> 01:24:02,704
Oh, bullshit!

1320
01:24:02,704 --> 01:24:06,808
And maybe get closer and
closer together like we were.

1321
01:24:06,808 --> 01:24:09,878
In Vermont, if it was just
the two of us surrounded

1322
01:24:09,878 --> 01:24:13,348
by foreign languages and
strangers and I don't know!

1323
01:24:13,348 --> 01:24:17,485
I don't know! Maybe it's because
I'm a fucked up neurotic Jew!

1324
01:24:17,485 --> 01:24:20,522
That's why I brought
you along with me!

1325
01:24:22,624 --> 01:24:25,627
- Alex.
- What is it?

1326
01:24:28,963 --> 01:24:30,765
Marry me.

1327
01:24:37,539 --> 01:24:38,840
Please.

1328
01:24:42,143 --> 01:24:43,611
Tomorrow.

1329
01:24:46,448 --> 01:24:52,654
Well, but Monkey honey.
Tomorrow is Sunday.

1330
01:24:52,654 --> 01:24:54,656
We go to Athens.

1331
01:24:54,656 --> 01:24:56,357
[dramatic music]

1332
01:25:07,202 --> 01:25:10,038
I want a child too.

1333
01:25:13,108 --> 01:25:15,076
And a home.

1334
01:25:17,812 --> 01:25:19,848
And a husband.

1335
01:25:23,017 --> 01:25:26,321
I'll be 30 years old in January.

1336
01:25:29,891 --> 01:25:34,729
I remember, the night lesbian
you took me up to the Bronx

1337
01:25:34,729 --> 01:25:37,699
equal opportunity night
or something.

1338
01:25:37,699 --> 01:25:41,836
In Spanish, you spoke to all
those poor Puerto Ricans

1339
01:25:41,836 --> 01:25:44,105
and oh, I was so impressed.

1340
01:25:44,105 --> 01:25:46,541
Tell me about
your bad sanitation.

1341
01:25:46,541 --> 01:25:49,310
Tell me about
your rats and your vermin.

1342
01:25:49,310 --> 01:25:51,713
Tell me about
your police brutality

1343
01:25:51,713 --> 01:25:54,616
and that pathetic
old man shouting

1344
01:25:54,616 --> 01:25:56,151
"Yes, but who'll
stand up for us?"

1345
01:25:56,151 --> 01:26:02,557
And you said, "I will. I stand
for each and every one of you."

1346
01:26:02,557 --> 01:26:05,126
'God, what a fake.'

1347
01:26:05,126 --> 01:26:08,329
'What a hypocrite and a phoney''

1348
01:26:08,963 --> 01:26:12,934
Big man to a lot
of pitiful spics.

1349
01:26:12,934 --> 01:26:15,837
But I know the truth about you.

1350
01:26:18,139 --> 01:26:21,743
I know the truth
about you, Alex.

1351
01:26:22,177 --> 01:26:25,747
You make women
sleep with whores.

1352
01:26:28,850 --> 01:26:31,886
I don't make anybody do
anything they don't wanna do.

1353
01:26:31,886 --> 01:26:33,421
"Commissioner
of human opportunity."

1354
01:26:33,421 --> 01:26:36,925
How you love that word, human?
I'll teach you what it means.

1355
01:26:36,925 --> 01:26:39,494
Pull this car over,
I'm getting out.

1356
01:26:39,494 --> 01:26:40,361
Sorry, no.

1357
01:26:40,361 --> 01:26:43,598
I'm gonna find a phone booth,
I'm gonna expose you--

1358
01:26:43,598 --> 01:26:47,135
Stop it! Enough!
Oh God, how I hate all this.

1359
01:26:47,135 --> 01:26:49,270
And I thought you were
the decent one.

1360
01:26:49,270 --> 01:26:52,207
- I'm gonna miss my plane!
- You're not gonna leave me

1361
01:26:52,207 --> 01:26:54,309
stranded here in goddamn
Athens, Greece.

1362
01:26:54,309 --> 01:26:56,444
There's money
and a plane ticket to New York.

1363
01:26:56,444 --> 01:27:00,114
- What's so stranded about that?
- But I wanna go with you.

1364
01:27:00,114 --> 01:27:02,850
You've already gone
with me much too far.

1365
01:27:02,850 --> 01:27:04,118
To please you!

1366
01:27:04,118 --> 01:27:06,854
[telephone ringing]

1367
01:27:06,854 --> 01:27:08,189
Yes.

1368
01:27:08,623 --> 01:27:11,459
It's a lady and she's talking
in a loud voice

1369
01:27:11,459 --> 01:27:13,127
which is only a little
less irritating

1370
01:27:13,127 --> 01:27:16,130
than those bouzouki players
of yours in that dining room.

1371
01:27:16,130 --> 01:27:18,166
So if your guests
don't like it

1372
01:27:18,166 --> 01:27:20,935
tell them to move
to another hotel.

1373
01:27:23,805 --> 01:27:26,574
I'm warning you, Alex.
I mean it.

1374
01:27:26,574 --> 01:27:28,876
You go out that door
and I'll jump.

1375
01:27:28,876 --> 01:27:32,380
Baby, please, don't
talk like that.

1376
01:27:32,680 --> 01:27:34,882
Somebody's going to hear
you and believe you.

1377
01:27:34,882 --> 01:27:39,787
I mean every word of it,
if you don't marry me.

1378
01:27:45,627 --> 01:27:49,063
Marry me, you son of a bitch
or I'll jump.

1379
01:27:50,031 --> 01:27:53,101
Go ahead.
You wanna jump? Jump.

1380
01:27:58,640 --> 01:28:00,975
Alex!

1381
01:28:00,975 --> 01:28:04,279
[plane engine revving]

1382
01:28:04,279 --> 01:28:06,147
Alex!

1383
01:28:12,553 --> 01:28:14,155
Alex!

1384
01:28:15,123 --> 01:28:16,924
[revving intensifies]

1385
01:28:21,629 --> 01:28:23,865
Alex!

1386
01:28:27,769 --> 01:28:31,439
(flight crew)
'Ladies and gentleman,
we land in ten minutes.'

1387
01:28:31,439 --> 01:28:34,809
'Please fasten your seat belt
and no smoking.'

1388
01:28:39,380 --> 01:28:41,449
Your seat belt, sir.

1389
01:28:41,449 --> 01:28:44,085
(Alex)
What am I doing running
away like this

1390
01:28:44,085 --> 01:28:46,587
like a criminal and to Israel.

1391
01:28:46,587 --> 01:28:50,458
I refuse to let that bitch
make me feel guilty.

1392
01:28:50,458 --> 01:28:54,962
If she's killed herself...
Nah. Never.

1393
01:28:54,962 --> 01:28:58,466
Uh...your seat belt, sir.

1394
01:29:04,906 --> 01:29:06,641
[intense music]

1395
01:29:23,891 --> 01:29:26,094
Alex!

1396
01:29:30,531 --> 01:29:32,900
[music continues]

1397
01:29:49,951 --> 01:29:52,720
My parents came here
from Philadelphia

1398
01:29:52,720 --> 01:29:56,090
when this was still Palestine
and decided to stay.

1399
01:29:56,090 --> 01:29:58,993
I was born on their cabots,
I grew up there.

1400
01:29:58,993 --> 01:30:03,398
After my service in the army, I
joined the commune of Israelis.

1401
01:30:03,398 --> 01:30:07,702
We live in the mountains
overlooking the Syrian border.

1402
01:30:07,702 --> 01:30:10,805
Working to clear away
the black volcanic rock

1403
01:30:10,805 --> 01:30:13,674
and make the barren
ground fertile.

1404
01:30:13,674 --> 01:30:16,210
Tell me are you in
a hurry to get to Haifa?

1405
01:30:16,210 --> 01:30:20,314
Not really, I'm on a one week
vacation from the commune.

1406
01:30:20,314 --> 01:30:23,518
I plan to come path at night
in my sleeping bag

1407
01:30:23,518 --> 01:30:26,087
where ever I happen to be.

1408
01:30:27,221 --> 01:30:28,790
I see.

1409
01:30:29,457 --> 01:30:34,595
Suggestion. This afternoon
you show me the catacombs

1410
01:30:34,595 --> 01:30:36,230
and the Wall city of Echo.

1411
01:30:36,230 --> 01:30:40,535
And tonight, I'll show
you a fine dinner.

1412
01:30:40,535 --> 01:30:44,238
Yes. That could be quite
rewarding for me

1413
01:30:44,238 --> 01:30:50,211
but only if you relate personal
details of your life in America.

1414
01:30:50,211 --> 01:30:53,915
I'm most interested in finding
out how the Jewish male

1415
01:30:53,915 --> 01:30:56,350
exists in the United States,
today.

1416
01:30:56,350 --> 01:30:59,020
I'll be happy to give you
all the gory details.

1417
01:30:59,020 --> 01:31:02,056
- Then you'll have to reward me.
- I do?

1418
01:31:02,056 --> 01:31:06,794
Just say you'll have a drink at
my hotel in Haifa after dinner.

1419
01:31:08,963 --> 01:31:13,835
If it will help me to understand
you better, Mr. Portnoy.

1420
01:31:17,839 --> 01:31:21,242
Oh, I think it will, Naomi.

1421
01:31:21,242 --> 01:31:24,245
I can practically guarantee it.

1422
01:31:25,746 --> 01:31:27,782
[theme music]

1423
01:31:57,278 --> 01:32:00,681
(Naomi)
'Possessions, money, property''

1424
01:32:00,681 --> 01:32:03,217
On such corrupt standards
as these

1425
01:32:03,217 --> 01:32:06,921
you American people measure
happiness and success.

1426
01:32:06,921 --> 01:32:09,690
One great segment of your
population are deprived

1427
01:32:09,690 --> 01:32:12,393
of the minimal requirements
for a decent life.

1428
01:32:12,393 --> 01:32:15,429
Is this not true?
You cannot deny it.

1429
01:32:15,429 --> 01:32:16,697
Whatever you say.

1430
01:32:16,697 --> 01:32:18,966
Your society, not only sanctions

1431
01:32:18,966 --> 01:32:22,103
gross and unfair competition
among men,it actually stimulates

1432
01:32:22,103 --> 01:32:25,673
and encourages
at rivalry, envy, jealousy.

1433
01:32:25,673 --> 01:32:27,875
All that is malignant
in the human character

1434
01:32:27,875 --> 01:32:30,044
is nourished by
the American system.

1435
01:32:30,044 --> 01:32:32,914
This is indisputable,
you cannot help but agree

1436
01:32:32,914 --> 01:32:36,551
- if you are at all honest.
- Oh, I am, Naomi! I am!

1437
01:32:36,551 --> 01:32:42,456
I think I've spoken many truth
to you today, Mr. Portnoy.

1438
01:32:42,456 --> 01:32:45,726
'The American system
is inherently unjust.'

1439
01:32:45,726 --> 01:32:49,797
'And your job is to make it
appear legitimate and moral'

1440
01:32:49,797 --> 01:32:54,869
by putting a pretentious title
on your office door and acting

1441
01:32:54,869 --> 01:32:57,738
as though human opportunity
and human dignity

1442
01:32:57,738 --> 01:32:59,740
could actually exist
in that society

1443
01:32:59,740 --> 01:33:02,376
when obviously no such
thing is possible.

1444
01:33:02,376 --> 01:33:05,346
- Naomi, I love you.
- What?

1445
01:33:05,646 --> 01:33:08,215
- I love you!
- What are you talking about?

1446
01:33:08,215 --> 01:33:10,484
How can you love me?
You hardly know me.

1447
01:33:10,484 --> 01:33:12,453
Take me back up
that mountain with you.

1448
01:33:12,453 --> 01:33:14,855
I want your simplicity.
Oh, I want your Hell!

1449
01:33:14,855 --> 01:33:17,925
Is this another one
of those twisted attempts

1450
01:33:17,925 --> 01:33:20,428
at self-mocking I've been
hearing from you all day.

1451
01:33:20,428 --> 01:33:24,365
No, no, I want you to give me
a new life, starting right now.

1452
01:33:24,365 --> 01:33:26,133
You've had too much
to drink tonight.

1453
01:33:26,133 --> 01:33:29,403
- No, no, I really mean it.
- It's late, I must go.

1454
01:33:29,403 --> 01:33:32,273
No. Why sleep on a clammy
beach somewhere

1455
01:33:32,273 --> 01:33:36,711
when I have this big comfortable
bed for the two of us to share?

1456
01:33:36,711 --> 01:33:39,146
Me, in that bed?

1457
01:33:39,146 --> 01:33:41,015
I'm not trying to convert you.

1458
01:33:41,015 --> 01:33:44,151
If the bed is too luxurious,
we'll do it on the floor.

1459
01:33:44,151 --> 01:33:48,689
- Sexual intercourse with you?
- Yes, yes, with me.

1460
01:33:48,689 --> 01:33:52,960
Fresh from my inherently
injust system. With me?

1461
01:34:00,134 --> 01:34:03,771
You are the most unhappy man
I've ever known.

1462
01:34:03,771 --> 01:34:08,342
Childish and without respect
for yourself or anyone.

1463
01:34:08,342 --> 01:34:09,143
'Tell me more.'

1464
01:34:09,143 --> 01:34:11,812
And you're obviously
a person of intelligence.

1465
01:34:11,812 --> 01:34:15,549
Which makes your infantile
attitude even more distasteful.

1466
01:34:15,549 --> 01:34:18,285
Beautifully stated.
Now, let's fuck.

1467
01:34:18,285 --> 01:34:21,155
- You are disgusting.
- And I can prove it.

1468
01:34:21,155 --> 01:34:23,524
You are nothing
but a self-hating Jew.

1469
01:34:23,524 --> 01:34:25,559
They're the best kind in bed.

1470
01:34:25,559 --> 01:34:29,563
- Pig. Let me out!
- Right.

1471
01:34:29,563 --> 01:34:33,334
I'll show you what a schlong is.
I'll show you a pig.

1472
01:34:33,334 --> 01:34:36,404
- Let me go!
- Disgusting, yes.

1473
01:34:36,404 --> 01:34:38,105
And also pretty goddamn tired.

1474
01:34:38,105 --> 01:34:40,441
I've never been good enough
for the chosen people.

1475
01:34:40,441 --> 01:34:44,679
- Get your hands--
- Oh, what I'm gonna do to you?

1476
01:34:44,679 --> 01:34:46,781
You, sanctimonious bitch.

1477
01:34:46,781 --> 01:34:52,119
- You are crazy.
- No, oh no, very smart.

1478
01:34:52,720 --> 01:34:58,025
You've gotta lesson to learn.
And I'm gonna give it to you.

1479
01:34:59,393 --> 01:35:01,529
Lunatic! Insane!

1480
01:35:01,529 --> 01:35:04,799
This is what it's like,
in the outside world.

1481
01:35:04,799 --> 01:35:08,369
- My self-righteous love.
- Argh!

1482
01:35:08,369 --> 01:35:09,070
Coward!

1483
01:35:09,070 --> 01:35:11,172
Spread your chalk,
you overbearing peasant.

1484
01:35:11,172 --> 01:35:14,909
Because I'm going to fuck you.
I'm going to tear you apart.

1485
01:35:14,909 --> 01:35:18,879
I'm, I'm going to, umm..

1486
01:35:22,116 --> 01:35:24,518
[gasping]

1487
01:35:24,985 --> 01:35:26,787
Are you satisfied, Pop?

1488
01:35:26,787 --> 01:35:28,456
I finally went
with a Jewish girl

1489
01:35:28,456 --> 01:35:31,492
and now I can't get it up
in the state of Israel.

1490
01:35:31,492 --> 01:35:36,030
It's not this country,
or any country, Mr. Portnoy.

1491
01:35:36,030 --> 01:35:41,368
It's you, as a man.
You're a failure in everything.

1492
01:35:41,368 --> 01:35:43,537
'Go home and weep for yourself''

1493
01:35:43,537 --> 01:35:48,242
Yeah. Well, I still got a mouth
I could use on you.

1494
01:35:48,242 --> 01:35:51,245
You degenerate!

1495
01:35:52,546 --> 01:35:55,716
(Alex)
In Israel, I die.

1496
01:35:56,617 --> 01:35:57,985
Die.

1497
01:35:58,853 --> 01:35:59,386
Die.

1498
01:35:59,386 --> 01:36:06,594
(male)
'Alexander Portnoy for degrading
the humanity of Mary Jane Reid''

1499
01:36:06,594 --> 01:36:08,095
Oh God, the Monkey's revenge.

1500
01:36:08,095 --> 01:36:10,965
(male)
'And for other crimes
too numerous to mention'

1501
01:36:10,965 --> 01:36:13,067
'involving the exploitation
of her body.'

1502
01:36:13,067 --> 01:36:15,836
'You are hereby sentenced
except for the palm'

1503
01:36:15,836 --> 01:36:19,140
'of your own hand, to a terrible
case of impotence.'

1504
01:36:19,140 --> 01:36:22,209
'Go find another way
to hurt a person.'

1505
01:36:22,209 --> 01:36:24,345
But Your Honor, she was of age.

1506
01:36:24,345 --> 01:36:25,946
After all, a consenting adult.

1507
01:36:25,946 --> 01:36:29,316
'Don't bullshit me
with legalisms, Portnoy.'

1508
01:36:29,316 --> 01:36:30,918
'You knew right from wrong.'

1509
01:36:30,918 --> 01:36:33,387
'Hence, you are justly
sentenced to a limp dick.'

1510
01:36:33,387 --> 01:36:36,457
So what was the big crime
in loving a saucy girl?

1511
01:36:36,457 --> 01:36:38,425
'Loving? You?
Self-loving, Portnoy.'

1512
01:36:38,425 --> 01:36:41,195
'That's how I spell it.
With a capital Self.'

1513
01:36:41,195 --> 01:36:43,864
'Your heart
is an empty refrigerator.'

1514
01:36:43,864 --> 01:36:45,833
Not true.

1515
01:36:45,833 --> 01:36:47,001
Not true!

1516
01:36:47,001 --> 01:36:50,037
With her, it was more.
It was different.

1517
01:36:50,037 --> 01:36:52,807
'What you did with that girl,
disgusting!'

1518
01:36:52,807 --> 01:36:57,778
'Love, spelled lust,
spelled self.'

1519
01:36:57,778 --> 01:36:59,046
No.

1520
01:36:59,046 --> 01:37:00,347
Sexual feelings, yes.

1521
01:37:00,347 --> 01:37:03,317
But together was such
wonderful tender feelings, too.

1522
01:37:03,317 --> 01:37:07,822
For the first and only time in
my life, especially in Vermont.

1523
01:37:07,822 --> 01:37:10,324
- 'In the prick, sure.'
- No!

1524
01:37:10,324 --> 01:37:13,627
'Yes! That's the only part
you've ever had any feeling i''

1525
01:37:13,627 --> 01:37:17,531
'in your whole life,
you narcissist.'

1526
01:37:17,531 --> 01:37:18,799
No.

1527
01:37:20,067 --> 01:37:21,802
No.

1528
01:37:21,802 --> 01:37:24,939
Please, Your Honour,
listen to me.

1529
01:37:24,939 --> 01:37:27,408
What, after all was I doing
but trying to have..

1530
01:37:27,408 --> 01:37:30,711
Well, if you don't believe love,
what then, a little fun.

1531
01:37:30,711 --> 01:37:34,281
- That's all.
- 'Oh, you son of a bitch!'

1532
01:37:34,281 --> 01:37:37,785
Well, why dammit can't
I have some fun?

1533
01:37:38,819 --> 01:37:43,190
Why is everything I do for
pleasure in this life illicit?

1534
01:37:43,190 --> 01:37:47,061
While the rest of the world
rolls laughing in the bud.

1535
01:37:49,196 --> 01:37:52,333
It makes me wanna scream.

1536
01:37:52,333 --> 01:37:53,601
[sobbing]

1537
01:37:53,968 --> 01:37:58,873
This ridiculous,
disproportion of the guilt.

1538
01:37:58,873 --> 01:37:59,673
May I scream?

1539
01:37:59,673 --> 01:38:03,043
(male)
'Portnoy, this is the police.
You're surrounded.'

1540
01:38:03,043 --> 01:38:08,215
(mother)
'Alex, my baby. This is your
mother. Give yourself up.'

1541
01:38:08,215 --> 01:38:11,218
(male)
'Come out and pay your debt
to society, Portnoy.'

1542
01:38:11,218 --> 01:38:14,355
'Or else, we're coming
after you guns blazing.'

1543
01:38:14,355 --> 01:38:17,057
Run society's ass. Cover!

1544
01:38:17,057 --> 01:38:18,459
[rapid gunfire]

1545
01:38:18,459 --> 01:38:21,128
Aaah!

1546
01:38:21,128 --> 01:38:22,930
[machine whirring]

1547
01:38:30,671 --> 01:38:32,039
[sobbing]

1548
01:39:07,374 --> 01:39:09,810
[classical music]

1549
01:39:17,718 --> 01:39:20,154
See you tomorrow.

1550
01:40:08,168 --> 01:40:09,570
[music continues]

1551
01:40:20,314 --> 01:40:21,715
[music continues]